Page 113 of Rush

“Jesus, Ari…please. I’m just saying all the wrong things here. I’m messing everything up.”

He comes back to me and takes my face in his hands. I look away from him, hating how much I want the feel of his hands on me.

“Ari, I love you. I love you so fucking much.” His voice breaks, and something cracks inside me. “I’ve screwed up so badly. And you’ll never know how sorry I am for that. And I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you, if you’ll let me.”

My heart is aching and screaming and begging for me to say yes. It would be so easy to forgive him and take him back. But…what if he does it to me again? What if something happens again, and he doesn’t believe me? And he won’t because he doesn’t trust me. He hurt me once, and he has the capacity to do it again. And I can’t go through this again. Not with him. Because it will be ever harder later down the line.

If I love him this much now, in such a short space of time, imagine how I’ll feel about him in a year…in two years.

It would break me.

And I can’t risk that. Because I can’t turn back into the girl I used to be. I’m barely hanging on now. It’s taking everything in me not to turn to alcohol to numb this pain.

And staying sober has to be the most important thing. If I’m to have a future, it has to be the only thing.

“I’m sorry,” I say quietly, my eyes refilling with tears, blurring my vision. “I have to think of myself right now…my sobriety. And I…I can’t be with someone who doesn’t trust me. Someone who’s just waiting and watching…expecting me to fall.”

I blink, sending fresh tears down my cheeks, and then I bring my eyes to his…and wish I hadn’t. The raw emotion shimmering in his gaze almost breaks me. But I hold strong because I have to. It’s the right thing to do. The only thing I can do.

So, I draw up all the strength left inside of me and say softly, “You were right yesterday…when you said we were done…because I don’t trust you with my heart anymore. The one time I really needed you, Ares…needed you to believe me, and you let me down.”

His hands slowly draw away from my face.

He swallows roughly and closes his eyes, a shaky breath escaping him.

Then, he turns and walks for the door.

I can’t watch him leave. So, I close my eyes.

“Ari…”

I force myself to look at him. And it shatters my heart. The anguish on his face.

“I screwed up. But I’ve never stopped loving you. And I never will.” He opens the door and steps through, and then he’s gone.

Out of my life. For good this time.

In the days that pass, I can feel that sense of loss, like I felt after my mom died. It’s a different sense of loss but no less difficult.

I guess, in some ways, it’s hard, knowing Ares is out there, living his life without me.

I haven’t been into work since Ares and I broke up.

My dad told me to take the next few weeks off work, and I didn’t argue the point.

The last thing I need is to bump into Ares.

I honestly don’t know how I’m going to handle it when I do go back. But, for now, I’m not thinking about that.

And that is one of the problems about not having to go to work; I’ve got time on my hands, and all I do is think.

Mainly about Ares.

I haven’t seen him since the morning I told him to leave my apartment. He hasn’t called or texted. Not that I expect him to.

And it’s hard. His disappearance from my life. I got so used to being with him. Spending time with him.

He was my best friend. I loved him. I still love him.