Page 1 of Experiments in Offline Dating

Chapter 1 An Experiment in Going Offline (and Possibly Talking Less About Cat Colons)

Maya: Hello and thanks for joining us, out there in podcast land. I’m your host, Maya Davis, and you’re listening to A Spinster’s Guide to Online Dating. This is my cohost and producer extraordinaire, Simone de Souza, without whose technological savvy and dazzling wit this podcast would not be possible, and I would just be babbling to my cats alone in an empty room. Say hello, Simone.

Simone: Hello.

Maya: Nicely done. So, where to begin? In case we have any new listeners tuning in for the very first time, welcome to Season Two. Don’t worry, you’re very welcome to start the show here and listen to the utter shipwreck that is my love life without having joined us for the horrors of Season One. What do we need to tell them, Simone?

Simone: Umm . . . we’re sorry?

Maya: Yes. We are sorry. That’s very true. If you’re squeamish, or not a fan of sarcasm, or your doctor has advised you that cringing could be hazardous to your health, please tune out now. We’ll wait . . . Still there? Very brave indeed.

Simone: Or dense.

Maya: We warned them. So, here’s how this works. This is a show in which I conduct an ongoing experiment exploring the tumultuous, befuddling world of love and dating, in a tireless search to bring answers to the scientific world at large. And also for listener entertainment.

Simone: And damn, has it been entertaining!

Maya: I remember on Episode Thirteen, “Axe Throwing with Aggro Andie,” you laughed so hard that turmeric chai came out of your nose.

Simone: Ha! Oh yeah! Don’t get me started again!

Maya: Quiet, you. So, in Season One, A Spinster’s Guide to Online Dating, I braved the grueling, dog-eat-dog jungle of online dating for an entire year. And did I find one, just one man on the planet, who wanted to be my boyfriend? No, I did not.

Simone: It’s really not as easy as it should be.

Maya: It’s not. Which is exactly why we called in the cavalry—dating coaches, neuropsychologists, celebrity stylists, sociologists, couples therapists, singles therapists, chakra healers, astronomers, you name it. There was even that one Vegas chapel Elvis impersonator.

Simone: Oh, Arnie was great!

Maya: Such insight! So, each expert was given a list of men to choose from in my ten, that’s right, ten dating apps.

Simone: And a few women. We can’t forget about Tammy the Gym Instructor.

Maya: Oh, poor Tammy. If you’re out there, Tammy, I can’t apologize enough for the body paint. Actually, let’s send her an Edible Arrangement, shall we?

Simone: No, we can’t. She said if you ever contacted her again, she would get a restraining order.

Maya: Oh, that’s right. Well, sorry about your curtains, Tammy. So anyway, for each episode, an expert was asked to choose a person from the apps and plan an activity for us, anything goes, then coach me very carefully and/or make me over, or whatever, in preparation for the big date.

Simone: Oh God, those hair extensions! That whole outfit!

Maya: I looked like Cher got a job at Hooters. Anyway, I would then attempt to follow their instructions to the letter, in the hope of getting it right, and then afterward we would all reconvene for the second half of the episode to dissect and discuss, in lurid detail, where it all invariably went horribly, horribly wrong.

Simone: It really is almost impossible to imagine how bad she is at this.

Maya: Last year I went on fifty-two dates, thirty of which are recorded here. You can also see the charts and stats on our website.

Simone: We should probably mention ethics.

Maya: We should. You can read my dating protocols and experiment methodology online. Every participant we discuss on this show has agreed to be part of our experiment and topic of conversation, both before and after the date, and names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Simone: Not all of them are willing. Some get annoyed and change their minds. That’s why she’s had fifty-two dates and we only have thirty episodes.

Maya: Yeah. Shame. ’Cause I’ve had some doozies!

Simone: So, for our skeptics out there, Maya, why don’t you explain how dating could possibly be this hard for you. And in case you think it’s a looks issue—it’s not. I mean, her clothes are kinda tragic, but she’s not hideous.

Maya: Aww, Simone. That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.