Page 101 of Experiments in Offline Dating

The farmer did some quick moves, trying to be stealthy enough to grab one.

“Oh, no. Don’t upset them. It’s okay—”

But before I could finish protesting, he had one. And then he put it in my arms.

And suddenly, every little thing was right with the world. This lamb was the warmest and fluffiest lamb in all the land, I was sure of it, perfectly weighted for maximum enjoyment. The gorgeous little thing didn’t squirm or call its mama. It cuddled in and put its head on my shoulder. I swooned. I cradled that thing like it was the baby I’d never wanted. Then I stuck my face right on into the thick cloud of fluff at its neck and inhaled a big whiff.

Had I been asked before what this experience might be like, I would have been confident that it would be scratchy and a little dirty and smell strongly like barnyard. But all these things would have been wrong. That baby smelled goddamn delicious!

“I want this baby. Can I buy it, or do I have to steal it?” I smiled at the farmer.

“Oh, no. I’ll not be selling her for anything.” He laughed.

I looked over, and Tadhg had a lamb of his own, and he looked almost as happy as I did.

“I will need to hold one of these every day for my well-being. There is no other world I will accept.”

“Look who’s a mad sheep fancier now, ay?”

“Dammit! I hate it when you’re right.”

Chapter 28 An Experiment in Things You Don’t Want to Put in Your Mouth

When we arrived at our stop for the night in Portmagee, the couple were already standing outside waiting for us. The lady greeted us with hugs, and they introduced themselves as Gear’oid (sounded a bit like “garage”), and Maedhbh (pronounced Maeve, but with a bunch of silent consonants just for kicks).

They ushered us in and made us each a gin and tonic and gave a treat to Finn, who was a bit shy of their bulldog, Alfie. Maedhbh was up while we drank, reheating and prepping the dinner.

“We were so excited that we told all of our friends we were going to be on a famous American podcast,” Maedhbh said. “And they all invited themselves for dinner, if you can believe it. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Oh. Sure. Dinner smells incredible.” I had never really done a dinner-party interview before, and while throwing in a bunch of extra people wouldn’t have been my first choice, it was their house, and free food was on the way, so I adapted my expectations and perused my mental protocol while I sipped my lovely G&T.

Not long after, another five people dropped in, all very punctual, and we were led into the dining room. There was a beautiful spread, lit candles, and fine china.

“Maya.” Maedhbh settled in next to me and leaned over. “I have to confess that I looked you up last week when Jackie called, and I’ve listened to a few episodes here and there while I’m doing the washing up. And they’re just so much fun. Do ye really go on all those dates, like?”

I smiled. “Somebody’s got to!”

“And you’ve never liked any of the men?”

I sucked a breath through my teeth. “Honestly, not really. I’m just, well, you’ve heard the podcast. The whole thing makes me so awkward. I’m terrible at it.”

“Ah, well. Who knows what can happen. Anyway, it’s fun for us to listen in, like a fly on the wall. Almost reminded me of my dating days.”

I laughed. “I hope it doesn’t!”

“Well, maybe not quite.” She laughed. “You definitely seem to have a worse time of it. But I’m sure Gear’oid will be talking your ear off all night about that.”

“That’s why I’m here. Although with all this delicious food, I almost forgot about it.”

“Here, love. Help yourself.”

The men were already tucking into the bread and talking about driving times and routes. We all passed around bowls of peas and carrots, roasted potatoes, and broccoli, and finally, Maedhbh sliced a juicy wedge of a beautiful meat pie and put it on my plate. “Don’t stand on ceremony,” she said.

The crust was flaky and golden as I sectioned off a bite and hummed while I chewed, eyes closed.

“Oh, none for me, thank you. I’ve plenty enough here to be getting on with,” I heard Tadhg say. That was odd. Tadhg was essentially a massive humanoid garbage disposal. He never turned down food. And this pie was incredible! I wondered briefly how much butter was in the pastry alone.

“What? Will you not have any pie?” Maedhbh asked.