Page 140 of Experiments in Offline Dating

Maya: Okay, so. Well . . .

Simone: Yes . . . you can do it.

Maya: So, I fell in love.

Simone: She. Fell. In. Love, people of the world.

Maya: Yeah.

Simone: Can it be true? Did we just slip into a new multiverse? Is this a sign of the end-times?

Maya: Okay. Let’s just calm right down, shall we?

Simone: We shan’t.

Maya: Look, do you want me to tell you this story or not?

Simone: One hundred percent. Okay, I promise to only interrupt when it’s really important. And also to make fun of you.

Maya: Great. So all the time, then.

Simone: Obviously.

Maya: Fine. Okay. So, if you caught up at the end of last season, you’ll know that I met a behemoth Irish farmer with a swoony accent and forearms to die for, and then mostly traveled around Ireland trying to have sex with him, or trying very hard not to have sex with him.

Simone: So, either way, all you were thinking about was sex with the Irish Adonis.

Maya: Correct.

Simone: So, you did . . . have sex with him on the tour, then?

Maya: That’s very private. I’m far too classy to answer that.

Simone: So that’s a yes.

Maya: Oh, one hundred percent. And it was back-cracking, mind-altering, earth-shattering, fuck-you-outta-the-stratosphere sex.

Simone: So, he has the legendary “magic dong” they speak about in stories?

Maya: Dong magic!

Simone: Did you just snort?

Maya: I did. I needed a minute. Yes, this was unquestionably dong magic. Heralds should sing songs about it, with accompanying harp music. Someone should paint a portrait. It’s a national treasure. Truly.

Simone: Will you post a dick pic on the website? You know. For science.

Maya: No way. Find your own magic dong! Anyway, so somewhere along the road, I caught—

Simone: Crabs?

Maya: Feelings, Simone. I caught feelings. But they were every bit as itchy and uncomfortable.

Simone: No one said it was going to be fun.

Maya: Yes, you fucking did! Literally everyone said it was going to be fun!

Simone: Anyway, hurry up. No one is tuning in for your woe is me, I got boned so good that I ended up married to the perfect man sob story.