Page 142 of Experiments in Offline Dating

Maya: Metaphorically, yes, but luckily not literally, because I was so blown away, and so in love, that I literally knelt down, right there in Bilbo’s house, and asked Tadhg to marry me.

Simone: Wow. Maya Davis, you have changed your tune!

Maya: I have.

Simone: Magic dong.

Maya: Magic dong. So, yada yada yada, I moved to Ireland, I bought a farm adjacent to the land Tadhg had, we merged them, we bought a bunch of baby lambs, I cuddled them, we got married at Kinbane Castle, I wore a green velvet dress with a corset like a goddamn fairy queen, and then after partying all night, we changed into warm comfy clothes, left all you drunken nuts behind, and walked just the two of us to Giant’s Causeway for the sunrise.

Simone: I’m not going to lie. It was the most incredible wedding I’ve ever seen. It was a straight-up fairy tale. There’s a wedding photo on the website.

Maya: Yep. Eat your hearts out, assholes.

Simone: So I guess it really was a numbers game after all. You found your weirdo. You were just waiting for the special weirdo who was made to fit with your particular type of weird to pull the next number at the deli counter.

Maya: Exactly! Who knew?

Simone: Definitely not me. Okay, so, back to the interview, Maya. Next question. Are you still in love? Or did the chemicals fade?

Maya: Oh, I’m a big, soppy mess. Still sickeningly in love.

Simone: And was it worth it? To completely uproot a life that you loved and become a freaking yarn farmer?

Maya: Well, the yarn farming was my idea, actually. Turns out we both loved sheep—total shock—but neither of us liked the killing part of the sheep farming. I have, for most of my adult life, been obsessed with expensive hand-dyed yarn, however, so we’re working on making a business out of it.

Simone: How’s that going?

Maya: We’re only just getting started, and everyone told us not to do it, but I love it and it’s basically all I think about. In a good way. I am so excited about it. I have no idea if we can make it profitable, but who cares? We just bought six alpacas last month!

Simone: What? You didn’t tell me that!

Maya: I knew you’d be angry.

Simone: Just how many pets does that make?

Maya: Well, let’s see. One hundred and three sheep, six alpacas, the formidable Fionnuala, my four cats that I brought from home, six chickens, four ducks, and the two pygmy goats that Jackie gave us as a wedding present—a little couple, so who knows what next season will bring. So, at the moment, one hundred and twenty-six.

Simone: You’ve totally lost it.

Maya: I want a donkey.

Simone: You are out of control. And what about your parents, Maya? You lived with them for what some would call an embarrassing long and unhealthy amount of time. How are they celebrating? I mean . . . coping?

Maya: Oh, it’s like they’re on their second honeymoon. My mom got into travel hacking, and they’ve been to Tahiti, Malta, and Scotland, and visited us in Ireland three times already. Jackie insists they stay with him, and if I’m honest, I think they visit for Jackie more than me now.

Simone: Yeah, I can see that.

Maya: Shut up.

Simone: So. Tell us that all of this was worth it.

Maya: Just for the pets, yes, it was worth it. But on top of that, I am madly in love with my magic dong—I mean husband, obviously. And living in the country has been a revelation. I hadn’t really realized how much the constant noise and stimuli from the city drained my battery. In the city, you have to deal with strangers to some extent every day that you leave your house. In the country it’s just Tadhg and the animals—one and the same, obviously—and I don’t have to mask, or charm, or perform for any of them—ever. I can just be myself. You can’t imagine what a change that is for me! I can go into town if I want to, but staying home is like a retreat every day of my life.

Simone: Wow. That sounds perfect for you, actually.

Maya: Oh, it is. Also, because Tadhg gives the best massages.

Simone: Damn, girl!