Page 35 of Experiments in Offline Dating

Uncontrollable variable: my own inability to see the raw sexuality of watching three adult men fight over a wishbone.

But I was getting the hang of things, and that night when we returned to the festival, I danced with every man who asked me, provided they were patient enough to wait for a waltz. I didn’t overthink it, tried not to freak out about how many random people I was touching, and didn’t even get scandalized when a completely random man I was joking with at the bar told me that I was the devil but he’d like to wake up to my face the following morning. I just had fun.

The following morning, I woke early even without the six a.m. romantic rejection.

I was buzzing with excitement. This was the day that Jackie and I had set aside the morning to record his interview.

I brushed my teeth and then went down in my pajamas. “Jackie! It’s today. I hope you’re ready for this.”

He laughed. “All right, Maya, let’s have a cup of tea and a bit of breakfast first. I’ve made some porridge with cream and some blackberries from the hedge.”

The porridge was warm and comforting, and the blackberries were ripe and delicious. I finished that and the tea in about three minutes flat while we talked about the weather and how we’d slept and planned what we might eat for lunch.

I dropped my spoon in the bowl with a clang. “Okay! You ready?”

“Should I be worried? That’s a dangerous gleam you’ve got in your eye.”

“Worried? You? You’re a story machine with more charisma than anyone I know.”

He smiled. He was obviously just playing the game. I doubted very much that Jackie Kelly had ever been nervous about anything in his life.

“Okay, so I’m going to hit record on this little device—it’s voice only, and we’ll edit it later, so don’t worry too much about pauses or mistakes or anything like that. I’ll send it to you first, and you can listen to the whole thing if you like. And if you end up saying something that you decide you don’t want on the show, you just let me know and I’ll edit it out before it goes live, okay?”

“All right.”

“Ready?”

“Hope so.”

“Me too. Here we go!”

Maya: Hello, everyone. Welcome back to A Spinster’s Guide to Online—oops, I’m sorry—Offline Dating. I haven’t gotten used to saying that yet. I’m your host, Maya Davis, and boy, do we have a treat for you today. Isn’t that right, Jackie?

Jackie: I hope so, Maya.

Maya: Today we are coming to you all the way from County Clare, Ireland, and I’m here in a picture-perfect Irish cottage with Jackie Kelly, world-renowned fourth-generation matchmaker.

Jackie: Well, I’ve been on the radio many times, and the TV more times than I can count. But I’ve never been on a seedpod . . .

Maya: Podcast.

Jackie: A podcast. I’m not even sure I know what one is.

Maya: What do you mean, Jackie? Are you saying that you’re not already a huge fan of the show?

Jackie: Well, now, as you know, we don’t have the Internet out here. So I guess I’ll start being a huge fan when they start playing it on Clare FM.

Maya: Any day now! So, for anyone who may have missed it, I have traveled all the way to Ireland to be matchmade by this lovely man, who is obviously naive or very brave.

Jackie: I’d say a little bit of both is the best recipe. But I usually call it optimism.

Maya: Yes. You are a cheery, glass-half-full sort of person, aren’t you, Jackie?

Jackie: I am. Especially if it’s a pint glass. You’d be surprised how many matches are made over a pint of Guinness.

Maya: I wouldn’t be surprised—I’ve seen you in action! And as if trying to find me a match wasn’t quite enough of a challenge, Jackie has very graciously invited me to stay in his beautiful home for an entire week while I get settled here in Ireland.

Jackie: Oh, it’s no hardship. You make a mean cup of tea.