Page 42 of Experiments in Offline Dating

“But . . . I can’t go on a road trip with . . . this guy.” I lowered my voice but knew Tadhg could still hear me. “I told you how the date went, remember?”

“Oh, I’m sure he’s all but forgotten that by now. That was days ago—water under the bridge, as they say.”

“It’s the opposite of that. He really hates me. Don’t you ever listen to true-crime podcasts? They’re going to find my pulverized body in his basement, crammed into eighty-seven pickle jars.”

“No, no. Don’t you worry, dear. He’s a little bit rough around the edges sometimes, but he’s a good boy. A wee lamb, really. You’ll see.”

“No, I will not see, Jackie. I’m not going to do that to myself. I value my life and sanity too much.”

“Well, I hate to say this, but you have already paid, and it’s all booked. I’ve canceled all your interviews here, I’m afraid, and everything’s all arranged for the trip. So, just relax. Go have an adventure, just like you said you wanted to. It’ll be a grand adventure! You’ll make great travel companions.”

“It will not be a grand adventure, it will be my ultimate nightmare! We would be disastrous travel companions. Like if Milo and Otis had rabies, or if Thelma and Louise synced their periods.”

“You’re going to have fun!”

“This guy is about as fun as the bubonic plague. He literally just congratulated his dog for trying to bite me.”

“Oh, Finn is going? How lovely! She’s a wee dote. That’ll be fun for you. You love animals.”

“Jackie.” I began to realize that I was losing the fight.

“It’s going to be grand, just hop on in. You’ll be in good hands, I promise.”

I shot a glance down at Tadhg’s hands. Huge. And balled into fists.

“Jackie, you obviously don’t know this guy very well.”

I mean. I was sure everyone in the county knew everyone else, and this hulking ox of a man had probably been hired to move a barn single-handedly at some point, or castrate Jackie’s horses with his bare hands, but still. There was no way Jackie had seen him angry and still thought it was a good idea for us to be stuck in a Jeep together for three weeks.

I knew Jackie would be quick with some story or excuse. But then he answered. And you could have knocked me over with a feather.

First he laughed, like this was all such good fun.

“ ’Course I know him, Maya! Tadhg is my son.”

Chapter 10 An Experiment in Terror

“Nooo. But he. That can’t be right.” I tried to argue him out of being Tadhg’s father.

“Isn’t he just beautiful?”

“No. Wait. But you’re so lovely and jolly, and he’s so . . .” I started pacing now. “And he’s so massively tall, and you’re so . . .”

“Well, what can I say? The Kelly men have a thing for tall women. He takes after his mother. Now, listen. Do me a favor and tell him that if he agrees to take you, I’ll get him that ram he’s been after from Mrs. Keilty.”

“Okay. He says . . .” I started. I didn’t know why I was going along with this, but Jackie always had something in his tone that made me want to agree to whatever he said. It was almost hypnotic. He could make “Let’s go get our teeth kicked in by a goat with a migraine” sound like a picnic. “. . . that if you take me, he’ll get you the ram you want. Whatever that means.”

“Mrs. Keilty’s ram?”

“Yeah,” I said, like an idiot.

Something flashed across his face, like a dog whose ears perked up at the word “treat.” But then he shut it down. “Fat chance. She won’t sell. I’ve tried everything.”

“Tell him,” said Jackie in my ear, “that she said she’d sell if I spent a little extra time finding a fella for her daughter Melba.”

“Can’t I just . . . pass the phone back and you tell him yourself?”

“No, no. I’ve got to run. You two just work it out between you.”