Page 61 of Experiments in Offline Dating

“Not yet!” I decided to say, because it seemed easiest. I just wanted to get through this as quickly and quietly as possible without saying too much that Tadhg could overhear.

“Just need to find the right man, eh?”

“Exactly.” I need a lobotomy.

“So, tell me what type of man you’re looking for, Maryanne. And be honest.”

Be honest? What the hell, Derek? “Oh, uhhh . . . You know. Just the usual, I suppose.” Shittest answer in the history of answers. Maybe he’ll just think I’m boring and we can hang up.

“No. I wouldn’t know.”

“Oh, um. All right.” I closed my eyes and let out a pained exhale. I guess I’m just doing this. I guess this is my life now. I should have been an accountant. Or, say, a toenail-fungus remover. Literally anything else.

That was when I looked at Tadhg’s stupid eyes in the rearview, and inspiration struck. “Someone who’s always smiling. Always in a good mood. Super-sunny disposition. Sweet. Polite. Always knows just what to say. A real charmer, you know—”

“What about looks?”

“Looks?” I heard a little snort from the front seat. I shot him a dirty look in the mirror. “Oh, I don’t know.” I looked at Tadhg. “Short, blond, thin, never scowls.”

“That’s specific. Now, would you say that you’re attractive yourself, then?”

“What?”

“Would you call yourself a beautiful girl, like?”

This question caught me so off guard that I forgot for a second that Tadhg was listening. “Would I call myself beautiful?” I heard a little sound and saw Tadhg’s shoulders shaking. “I’m. I don’t know. I’m . . . not going to answer that.”

“That bad, are ye?” He laughed.

“Look, Deren, I’m sorry, but I’m in a car just now, and I’d really better get—”

“Derek.”

“Huh?”

“My name’s Derek, not Deren. It’s a bad sign if you can’t even get my name right.”

I took a deep breath and held it in. Counted to three. “Yep. It is a bad sign, Derek. There are lots of bad signs here. But thank you so much for calling. It was . . . distracting.”

“Sure. Would you still be interested in meeting for . . . ye know . . . a bit of slap and tickle?”

I choked on air. “Nope. No, I sure wouldn’t. Thanks for the offer. Goodbye, Darren.” I hung up.

“That sounded like it went well for ye.” I could hear the smug smile in his voice. I thought about throttling that fat neck of his, but we’d probably crash and die.

“Don’t. Say. A. Word. Not one stupid word.”

Chapter 14 Experiments in Getting Wet

“No, no, girl. I’m sorry, but you’ve got to stay here, love.” Tadhg cracked the windows and shut the door behind us. He folded down the backseat to make it roomier and poured out a bowl of dog food and some water. There was a plush-looking dog bed back there. I was halfway to asking if I could stay too when I remembered the cake. “You can’t go because you don’t like caves, my little one. And because the two of us will probably die in there. Or at least one of us will, if she doesn’t change her ringtone.”

“Or if he says another goddamn word about my phone calls.”

He poured out a little more dog food, wrapped his arms around Finn’s neck, and gave her a kiss on the head. “Just in case.”

I fished around in my back pocket and pulled out the folded map and smoothed it out. “Okay. I think we’re parked heeere.” I pointed, and he moved in a little closer. Then the wind picked up and blew his scent over to me, and my eyes fluttered against my will. Okay. Distance is a good thing. Got it. I cleared my throat. “So then all we have to do is walk down the road a little bit. Open the gate, enter this farmland—”

“Illegally.”