Page 90 of Experiments in Offline Dating

“I used to take the bad dates more personally. I thought it was because I wasn’t neuro-normative enough. Because I’m autistic. But now it’s just a science experiment. Quantitative science isn’t personal.”

“I didn’t know you were autistic.”

“Yep. Lots of people say that, but I can’t see why—the signs are all there.” I laughed and took another swig. I liked the look on his face. It wasn’t shocked, or confused, or pitying. I may as well have told him I wore contact lenses.

I went on, “I don’t think relationships are for me, if I’m honest. I’ve never felt anything even remotely close to falling in love. Which is actually fine, because romantic love seems to make people totally irrational. Plus, I like my life the way it is.” He looked to be chewing this over. I kept talking. “I’m not even sure I’m capable of those feelings. Like maybe I’m just not made for romantic love, and I don’t really want to have to force myself into some box just because other people think that my life is missing something without it.”

“So . . . have you never had a serious partner, then?” His shoulders had relaxed. He seemed to be more comfortable talking about me and my issues than his own. I had relaxed too. Because we were on the same page. We’d agreed that neither of us wanted anything serious and a fling was a bad idea. We were on stable ground again. And it was a massive fucking relief.

“Not really. I dated a boy in high school for six months, and a few guys in college who lasted a little while. But no, not serious to me, if I’m honest. Either they were too clingy and wanted way too much of my time, or they were just keeping me around as an option, or we were nerding out on the same things and ended up falling into something that was more like book club buddies with a side of sex than anything else. I could never really be my whole self. Either they didn’t see me at all, and I didn’t feel free to be myself, or we shared one particular nerdy interest and hyper-fixated on that and nothing else. Now, of course, I go on a lot of dates because of my podcast. But no. No one I’ve wanted to spend the rest of my life with.” I laughed. “Sounds like a prison sentence, frankly.”

He nodded. To his credit, he didn’t try to tell me that one day I would meet someone and just know, or any crap that most people usually responded with.

The look in his eyes was warm. “Well, I’d never had anyone go this far to get out of dating me.”

“Hey! You just got finished friend-zoning me!”

“Yeah, but I didn’t know I was already in the friend zone, did I?”

We laughed and drank again. My stomach had unknotted itself.

“I’m so relieved that we’re on the same page. You know. We’re on this trip together, there’s no getting away from each other. If things turn awkward, then it would be really unpleasant. And, of course, I’ve still got all these dates to go on and my interviews to focus on. So, yeah. I’m really, really relieved. This conversation wasn’t anywhere near as awkward as I thought it was going to be.”

“You got off easy.”

“Easy? Hardly! Now I know what sex with you feels like.” I laughed some more and drank up, but he didn’t. His face had changed. Oh, shit. What did I say now? Just when I thought I was out of the woods.

He didn’t say anything. I didn’t know what I’d said wrong, so I didn’t know how to fix it. But his face . . . Did he think I was saying that the sex was bad? I rushed to try to explain the joke. “It’s like my punishment, you know? I haven’t stopped thinking about it all day! I’m so constantly turned on, I can hardly function.” I laughed again. “The images going through my mind! I’ve got a long, painful trip ahead of me.”

He inhaled a deep breath, blinked a few times. “You shouldn’t tell me things like that, Maya.”

“Really? I’m sorry. I don’t have much of a filter. I usually just say what I’m thinking.”

“I . . . Yeah. I’m learning that.”

We both finished our pints. I wasn’t sure if I’d messed things up again.

“Hey—are you tired?” His voice sounded neutral—light again.

I had been really tired. I should have been really tired. I had drained my battery a million different ways already that day. But I looked up at Tadhg’s eyes, and they crinkled at the corners, and somehow I was . . . just a little less burnt out . . . a little more curious . . . a little less heavy on my feet and had a little more spark in my stomach.

“Why? What did you have in mind?” I cocked an eyebrow.

“Don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

“That tone of voice. This will need to be an innuendo-free space if this is going to work.”

“Well, I didn’t mean to innuendo. Can one innuendo by accident?”

“Why don’t we debate that—as friends—over one last pint? There’s a place up the way that I want to check out.”

“Will that make this a pub crawl? Because I’ve never been on a pub crawl, and I really want to go on one.”

He smirked. “Three pubs? I mean, we probably won’t be crawling, thankfully, but yeah. It’s a solid start.”

Chapter 24 An Experiment in Learning the Rules of the Game and Also Learning That Knees Are an Erogenous Zone