Page 160 of Black Light: Cured

There is no response to that. I tried fooling myself into thinking it was easier for her, but honestly,

part of it was separating myself from the backlash. I didn’t want to see her upset. That would have

disrupted my entire plan.

“Do you love the girl?”

“Well. Yes. I think—”

“No. You moron. No more time for thinking. That’s what got you into this mess in the first place.

Shut your damn brain off and feel.”

“Yes,” I bite out, finally admitting it out loud. “I love her. Okay?”

“And did you tell her that?”

“Of course not. I—”

“Then that’s your problem. The only prescription you need, doc, is to stop running away from

your feelings and actually confront them. But I will tell you one thing. You hurt that girl again, and

they’ll never be able to find your balls.” Before I can even respond, he hangs up the phone, leaving

me staring at my home screen.

Deep down, I knew that there were deeper feelings, but I never allowed myself to even consider

love. I never had that modeled for me growing up. I have no clue how to actually love someone.

For me, love is pulling the one person you care about most in the world out of yet another bar. It’s

foregoing field trips so that we could eat. It was studying into the wee hours of the night after my mom

went to bed so she wouldn’t interrupt me.

What I had with Lila, what I felt… that was much healthier.

It didn’t reek of desperation. It didn’t smell like alcohol and piss. What we had was easy. Sure,

we had disagreements, but there wasn’t the same turmoil I grew to know and expect. And that’s how it

crept up on me so suddenly. It wasn’t in a loud flash of light or words uttered from the sky.

It was quiet, easy, insidious in the best of ways. She wormed her way into my heart and took hold

so gently that I didn’t even realize she was in there until I no longer had her. Dear God. If she’s

hurting even half as much as I am, then I know this was the wrong course of action.

And that’s when it hits me. It’s not love that I’m terrified of, it’s giving love and not having it

reciprocated.

Putting myself out there and being abandoned. Again.

But in the cold light of day, that’s stupid. Despite everything I’ve thrown at her, she’s never shied