Page 106 of Little Miss Fortune

All of the tension of the last two weeks dissipates. I couldn’t breathe without him, as if chains that could only be removed with his touch constricted my chest.

‘Do you want your present?’ I ask him at the cafe, stopping his stream of opinions on the best use of social media in recent years, which I brought on because he noticed I didn’t like any of his LinkedIn restaurant posts.

‘Wow, I’m sorry my satirical review of Farmer G was so boring.’

I do not think anything about him is remotely boring. I think I could listen to him talk about gum disease for months and still enjoy what he has to say. Over the last few months, he has made me feel so seen, but also, his nudges have pushed me out of my comfort zone. All my bad luck, or his fate, or whatever force there is, gently blows behind my ear. This small gust of magic has slowly travelled through me from the day we met on the mountain and today has found its way to the thinking part of my brain, making me realise something that I’ve never thought before.

I think I love him.

He pulls the paper covering the two rubber ducks I got from an online shop. They are the same colours that we had at the Quacky Races.

‘Oh my god! Look at them. This is so sweet, Fuko.’ His eyes light up, as he gapes at them in complete awe and joy.

I feel the words on my tongue. They taste sweet and warm.

I am about to say them, when something in his expression changes. The more he looks at the ducks in his hands, the darker the shadows above his face lie. Time itself turns heavy, refusing to move.

We sit in this cafe for days, maybe months even, unmoving and sinking.

‘What’s wrong?’ I finally have the courage to ask. That question tastes sour, drying out my lips.

‘Fuko,’ my name comes out with an unsaid apology.

‘Toby,’ his name is a plea.

Don’t do this. Don’t do this.

‘I—’ he starts but then looks away.

‘Please, Toby.’ I’ve never sounded so small.

‘I don’t know if I can do this.’ That’s all he says. No explanation.

Why not? I want to ask. Is it your parents? Is it because of what your sister said? Are you pushing me away as a challenge? For me to prove myself? Do you know that I love you, that I think I’m losing my ability to breathe again?

‘I don’t understand. Did I do something?’ My brain has suspended my ability to blink, tears pooling on my bottom lids.

‘No, Fuko. You haven’t done anything wrong.’

‘Then why?’ I shut my eyes, and tears shoot out like traitorous arrows.

He doesn’t answer. He knows that I will be able to rebuke every single one of his possible reasons.

I am not good for you.

A: You are the best person I’ve ever met.

This isn’t working.

A: This is the best thing that has happened to me.

We are not meant to be.

A: You are the one that told me fate brought us together.

I’m too broken, my thoughts are too dark, I don’t see a way out of this.

A: I love you and will do whatever it takes to help you.