Page 70 of Little Miss Fortune

‘You were in a bad spot. And he was near. Just like John usually was.’ She explains my own actions to me.

She knows about John. ‘How... How did you—’

‘You do have weird destructive tendencies. I saw him leaving your uni flat in third year after your break-up. John has an awful I-just-got-some face, by the way, very easy to tell.’ A half smile, coated in sadness. ‘But Toby came yesterday and... He said some things that made me upset.’

‘I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you,’ I blurt out.

But she shakes her head. ‘It’s not that. He made me realise that I have been quite awful to you.’

‘You were completely justified.’

‘There are limits to cruelty, Fuko. And I... I think, I need to stop.’

‘I don’t know what you mean.’

She takes a deep breath and turns away from me.

‘I was the one who posted the picture of John feeling you up,’ she says quietly. ‘I also know Atticus. I knew he was going to complain about not being let in and had a direct way to stop him... But I just sat silently, listening to his complaining at a meeting.’

‘What—’

‘And Leon. I have made up emergencies so that he doesn’t hang out with you.’ She blushes, embarrassed by her action. ‘If you think about it, I am really the reason you had no one else to turn to.’

The information sits badly in my stomach, like eating a prawn cocktail that was left out in the sun for too long. It doesn’t take away from the overwhelming guilt that’s been building over the last few weeks, even before the sex or the kiss. I don’t think it should count as betrayal, not like Aaron betrayed Martin in Primal Fear. No, it’s not really a betrayal, as I was the one who set things into motion, but the thought of my best friend doing anything to hurt me, even indirectly... It stings.

‘I—’ I try to find words to deliver my thoughts, but the only thing that comes to mind is, ‘I feel like shit.’

‘Me too. I am really sorry, even if I was angry, you are still my friend—’

‘Best.’

‘Best friend. I fucked up. So did you.’ She adds the last part with a quick smile.

‘Really badly.’ I nod, fighting back the need to cry.

‘But I really messed this whole thing up. They should give a prize for worst friendship fuck-ups.’

‘We’d tie.’

We sit in silence for a moment. Sashka taking deep breaths, clearly trying to figure out how to say the rest of the things that have been bothering her.

‘I think Toby and I were actually very wrong for each other,’ she says, her voice breaking, ‘because the way he spoke about you... I wish someone would speak about me the same way.’

Stunned. Shocked. Surprised. These are some of the words that could explain the way my face contorts after hearing her sentence. The air is so heavy that I’m sinking deeper into the couch, and it’s rendering me immobile, when I quietly utter, ‘There is nothing between Toby and me.’

‘You need to stop lying to me, Fuko,’ Sashka says, unimpressed and frustrated.

‘Nothing, I swear.’

‘Then you need to wake up and stop lying to yourself. Because no man would ever bother trying to fix a girl’s friendship with his somewhat-ex if he didn’t care about her.’

‘But...’

I can’t possibly date him after what I’ve done. To him and to Sashka. There is no fix to this; things won’t just magically work out.

As if reading my mind, Sashka says, ‘I know there is girl code and stuff about dating the same guy. I’m not going to lie and pretend that I wouldn’t be hurt.’ She sits, assessing the truth of her own words, judging the weight of her feelings. ‘But I think, with some time, I will be okay with this. I would hate to be the reason that you miss out on an actually good guy because of my petty jealousy.’

‘Sashka.’ The couch finally releases me. I slide off it and give her a big hug.