Page 43 of What’s Left of Us

I only stare at my hand against his chest. For the shortest of moments, I let myself imagine it. A reality where I tell him I’ve missed him, where I tell him I think about him all the time, where I beg him to touch me like he once did. A reality where I could forgive him and love him like I used to.

I look up at him, so tall above me. When we were younger, he made me feel safer than anyone else in the world. When I was with him, I was untouchable. Unstoppable.

Atlas’s lips part, but for a long moment nothing comes out. I think he might be considering a different reality too.

“We’ll work on dribbling two balls next time,” he says softly. He loosens his hold on me, fingers relaxing slowly, so slowly. As if it’s taking concentrated effort to let go. “And shooting, if you want.”

“Okay,” I whisper. I study the sharp lines of his jaw, the barely-there stubble.

“Okay,” he repeats.

When I step back, we both take a breath. I offer a pathetic wave before turning and jogging for Hayden’s car.

Chapter 18

age sixteen

Nearly four months before Nat disappeared, I sat on the edge of my bed, curled in the fetal position. It was past one in the morning. My ears strained for sound, and my eyes were locked on Nat’s bedroom door across the hall. It was closed, but it would rattle slightly when she came back into her room. We’d fallen into a dangerous routine of weekends like this.

Mom and Dad went to bed by ten o’clock, so long as they weren’t arguing, and Nat snuck out approximately fifteen minutes after their bedroom door shut. I promised to cover for Nat if one of them happened to wake in the middle of the night and checked her bedroom.

I didn’t imagine either of them would do such a thing. Mom took sleeping pills. She’d be out until the morning. Dad sometimes got up in the middle of the night, but only to get a glass of water or go to the bathroom. They wouldn’t check to make sure Nat was where she was supposed to be.

If they did, I didn’t realistically know what I’d say. I’d have a better chance of distracting them, of keeping them from entering her room at all. My plan—my very half-baked plan, honestly—was that I’d pretend to be sick and demand all the attention for myself.

I had no idea if it’d work. I had no idea what my punishment would be if Dad discovered I was covering for Nat while she went out with friends. This little system of ours had started over a month ago, but I’d yet to feel secure in it. I had yet to fall asleep before she came home.

We agreed on midnight. That was when she was supposed to be back, dropped off by Michael or Shayna or whoever else she was with. Nat promised she only ever got into the car with a sober driver, but I wasn’t sure I believed her.

I didn’t know when it happened, but I’d started questioning everything my sister said.

Tonight was only more confirmation that she couldn’t be trusted. It was twenty minutes past one o’clock, more than an hour since the time she promised to be here. If this went on much longer, I was going to have to reschedule with Atlas. We had morning plans—he’d found a cool hiking trail he wanted to show me, and I’d convinced him we needed to bring a breakfast picnic. He’d agreed, because he was the best boyfriend, the best friend I’d ever had.

Unlike with Nat, I never questioned his promises.

My eyes burned with exhaustion, and eventually, I had to get out of bed to keep from falling asleep. I paced my room for what felt like hours. In reality, it was less than forty-five minutes. Just before two a.m., the telltale sign of Nat’s arrival stopped my pacing.

A small screech for the window lifting, too quiet to hear unless you were listening for it. Another screech as it went back down.

I crept to my doorway, stealing a glance at Mom and Dad’s bedroom. The only sound from that direction was their fan. We were in the clear⁠—

Something heavy fell in Nat’s bedroom, followed immediately by her high-pitched giggle.

In the past, I hadn’t gone into Nat’s room after she returned. It felt too risky, so I only waited until she got home before going to sleep. Now though, she was being too risky all by herself. It sounded like she was rummaging through her drawers, clanking the metal handles, occasional laughter bursting from her.

I rocked on my heels, then forward onto my toes. Indecision pulsed through me. When she dropped something else, laughed louder, my mind was made for me.

I hurried across the hall, heart beating so loud I was sure that might be the reason Dad woke up. He’d kill us if he found out what was going on. At the very least, he’d kill Nat. Yell at her until he was purple in the face. Punch a wall. Shake her until she got some sense inside her thick skull.

When I entered Nat’s room, it took her a moment to notice me. She was throwing random articles of clothing out of her dresser, letting the shirts and pants litter her rug. A half-finished wine cooler sat on her nightstand, and her window wasn’t fully closed. A sharp breeze filtered through the crack.

I eased her door closed, careful not to make a sound. That was when Nat realized I was there, and a goofy grin took over her determined expression. She slammed the drawer she’d been searching and stumbled toward me, tripping over a pair of discarded jeans.

“Sissy!” she slurred, far too loud. Before I could respond, her arms were around me in a deadweight hug. I had to adjust my stance to keep us both from falling. In the past few months, I’d outgrown my sister. We’d both been five foot seven since I was in the eighth grade, but I’d randomly gone through a growth spurt this summer. I was now five foot nine, and with her glomming on me, our heights seemed farther apart than ever.

She felt almost child-like, aside from the fact she reeked of alcohol.

“Shh,” I hissed. I grabbed her shoulders and peeled her off me, working double-time to keep her from toppling over. Her cheeks were flushed, and there was something weird about her eyes. I’d never been drunk before. I’d never even been around drunk people, except for Dad, but that barely counted. Whenever Dad drank in excess, I locked myself in my room.