Page 48 of What’s Left of Us

As soon as Atlas speaks the words, I’m confident they’re true. I breathe deep through my nose, exhaling as slowly as I can manage. When I speak again, I force myself to meet Atlas’s waiting gaze. “I think she really meant it, Atlas. I think she wanted to get better. I think…”

I trail off then, unsure what to say. Whether my thoughts will even make sense, especially to Atlas. The guy who kept Nat’s secret for less than a week before ruining everything.

“I don’t regret telling your mom.” Atlas keeps his gaze on mine, and much as I want to look away, I don’t. I clench my teeth, eyes sharpening as he continues. “But I hate everything I did after.”

I scoff and start walking again. We’re standing too close. My body may crave Atlas’s proximity, but my mind needs distance.

“You didn’t do anything after, Atlas.”

“Exactly,” he whispers. He falls into place beside me, until our arms brush. He’s not looking at me anymore. “I never thought she’d run, Vi. When she did, I didn’t know what to do. You hated me for what I did, and I didn’t know how to process it. How to fix it.”

I’m not looking at him, not directly, but I catalogue every unsteady breath he takes.

“All I knew was you wanted nothing to do with me. It didn’t feel right to try to make amends while Nat was missing. I figured once she got back, once things straightened out with her, then I’d fix what I’d broken. I never thought…”

That she wouldn’t come back. That your dad would go to prison and things would get even messier. That some things can’t be fixed, no matter how hard we try.

“If I knew how it was going to end, I would have done things differently.”

His voice cracks, and the ache in it cuts deep through my chest, splintering my ribs until all my most vulnerable parts are exposed. When I swallow, my throat is painfully tight. Once again, I’ve stopped moving without meaning to.

“I thought I was doing what was best, Violet.” His voice is too heavy, too weighted, for one person to carry.

Tears stream from my eyes, trailing down my cheeks. Salt burns against my chapped lips. But it doesn’t feel like I’m crying, not really. There’s no ugly pain. My chest isn’t wracking or heaving. My breaths haven’t even faltered. I am perfectly motionless, wishing desperately his words were enough to heal the hurt between us.

“You promised,” I whisper through my tears.

“I know—” His voice is so thick, so choked, that without opening my eyes, I know he’s crying too.

It’s all too much.

“I want to be alone.” My fists are so tight they’re shaking. I can feel my fingernails leaving indents against my palms.

“Vi—”

“Please, Atlas.”

“All right.” The words come out as a heavy sigh. “Come find me once you’re ready. If you want.”

I don’t respond. I sink right where I am, somewhere between the line of cottages and the ocean. I should move closer to the water. It’d look less weird, I’m sure, but I’m too tired to move another inch. As Atlas’s footsteps retreat back the way we came, I tuck my knees into my chest and let myself cry.

I don’t know how long I’ve been on the beach. I don’t have my phone, and I never learned how to measure time with the sun. It’s daylight, but it’s been several hours since Atlas left. From the way my stomach is growling, I know I’ve missed lunch. Maybe dinner, too.

I should go inside. I’m sure Atlas is pacing the living room, or maybe his private room. It isn’t fair. I’m being cruel, and I know it. As usual.

He drove all this way for no reason beyond helping me. He’s trying to make amends…and I’m sitting alone in the sand, glaring out at the water.

I haven’t moved any closer. It’s for the best. There are too many people walking the shoreline now. I don’t want to make small talk. I don’t want to answer questions. I only want to imagine I’m here with Nat.

With my eyes closed, I can pretend she’s sitting beside me.

She’d say something like, why are we just sitting here? Shouldn’t we be exploring? Hiking? Doing something? Jumping in the water?

And I’d say, we can do whatever you want. Just take me with you.

It’s not true, and I know it. If Nat was here, the way she was when I last saw her, she wouldn’t care about exploring or hiking or doing anything other than partying.

During an unexpectedly long stretch of time, where it’s just me and the quiet lapping of waves, I let my eyes flutter shut again.