Page 56 of What’s Left of Us

“Atlas.” That's all I say. His name, a confession and a warning, all at once. He may have proclaimed love in the past tense, but he’s looking at me like he loves me now. Like he never stopped.

“Violet,” he whispers back.

“We were perfect.” That terrible knot in my throat tightens again, and tears burn my eyes. “But that was us before, Atlas. Before everything happened. We’re too broken now, too far gone. There’s nothing left of us anymore.”

“That’s not true.” Atlas reaches for me, but I shake my head, stepping back, forcing distance. Even as he lowers his hand, his eyes don’t leave mine. “Violet, you know that’s not true.”

I close my eyes. This room suddenly feels too small. There’s not enough oxygen in here for the both of us. Everything is spinning and my insides hurt and there are a million thoughts racing through my head, all competing for space at once.

“I need to go.” When I open my eyes, I don’t look at Atlas but the door. “Space. I-I need…”

I shove past him and out of his room, running, just like I always do.

I don’t hear from Atlas for several hours. Only after I’ve hidden through lunch does my phone vibrate with a text from him.

Let’s go to the beach. It’s our last day here. I promise not to confess anything else. We can hunt for crabs and build sandcastles and eat your nasty pickle chips.

They’re not nasty.

Did you actually buy more?

Meet me on the porch. Seven minutes.

Atlas is true to his word and keeps conversation light for the rest of the trip. By the time we return to Aberlena, the tension between us has all but dissipated. At least on the surface. Now that he’s dropped me off, I’m left to dwell in silence and all the emotion stirs back to life. It’s a sharp pain, throbbing and insistent, demanding to be dealt with.

So, like any healthy person, I pour a hefty glass of cheap wine and put on re-runs of The Office. Even with the volume cranked too high, it’s not enough to quiet my spiraling thoughts.

Because I was in love with you…You hating me didn’t make me stop loving you.

I’m playing the words over in my head when Hayden returns home from her shift at the diner. She’s wearing the silly uniform they all wear at the retro family-owned joint: a red pin-striped dress with a white apron sewed to the front. She’s partway through stripping out of it, undeterred by the open curtains.

“Well?” she asks as she kicks out of her shoes. “Did you two totally fuck?”

She waggles her eyebrows, and if I was normal, I’d laugh and admit yes, Atlas and I did totally fuck. I’d tell her it was great, a one time thing, obviously. The two of us would gush about how attractive he is, and then we’d make plans to go out on Friday.

Instead, all the emotions of this weekend compound into a solitary knot in my chest. I can hardly breathe, let alone speak. It takes all my conscious effort to respond, and when I do, it’s not about Atlas or our complicated relationship or this past weekend.

“My dad was really abusive.” It’s a blurted confession, one that stops Hayden in her tracks. Her eyes widen as she stares at me, partway undressed in our kitchen. “He, uh, beat my mom pretty regularly. My sister too. Never me, really. I don’t know why.”

Hayden only blinks. She’s hunched over, hand frozen at her foot, halfway through taking off her sock.

“He’s in prison now.” I swallow. Without permission, my gaze drifts from Hayden to the window. It’s easier to talk when I’m not looking at her. “Not for the abuse. He was caught embezzling. An anonymous caller busted him. For years, I thought it might’ve been Nat.”

I risk a glance back at Hayden. She’s upright now, perfectly still as she watches me.

“Anyway, he’s a real piece of shit.” I tuck my knees against my chest.

“Yeah, sounds like it.”

“Sometimes…” I trail off. Gaze back to the window. “Sometimes I recognize him in myself and I hate it. I just get so angry, and it’ll blot everything else. I won’t be able to think straight. And when it matters the most, I don’t know how to apologize. I don’t know how to admit when I was wrong. When I was the one who ruined everything.”

The first tear falls and I squeeze my eyes shut, willing it to stop.

“What happened, Vi?” Hayden crosses the room and sits next to me. Her arms wrap around me, tugging me against her side. “Did Atlas say something? If he was mean, I’ll kick his ass.”

I huff out a laugh.

“Atlas couldn’t be mean to me if he tried.” Another tear slips through my closed eyes, followed immediately by another. “He’s perfect, Hayden. He’s always been perfect. All this time…”