Page 10 of Heartstrings & Horseshoes

Would Reid consider offering at the ranch?

What am I thinking? I haven’t even graduated—I have no business indulging in fantasies.

The girls bid me adieu when the afternoon sun bleeds behind the mountain peaks. I love them to death, but I need space to recharge and process the whirlwind of events. Connor’s couch envelops me as I close my eyes.

Reality shakes my foundation. I live with Connor. I’m trapped in close quarters with the love of my life, doomed to pretend we’re just friends. My fragile heart won’t survive a million slow deaths. Having Connor in my life as a friend is worlds better than not having him at all.

I’m terrified my heart’s going to break and I don’t know how I’m going to hide my feelings from him. Our relationship will never be the same; I could lose him if the truth ever comes out, or if I make him uncomfortable living with me.

I can’t let my foolish feelings ruin this for me. I should be grateful he’s taken me in and rescued me from my circumstances.

I’m safe and comfortable for the first time knowing Connor would never let anything happen to me under his watch.

I refuse to return to the trailer ever again. Mom’s in trouble but the state of her affairs isn’t my concern. I’ll never pay her bills ever again. She made her own choices, and I’m choosing to stop getting involved.

Our relationship may be irreparably damaged, but it’s not like there was much left to damage. She and my dad have relentlessly proven we weren’t worth sticking around for, staying sober for, or meeting our most basic needs. Part of me is bitter. Why do I feel guilty when she couldn’t manage to keep the electricity on or put food in my belly? The other part of me is sad. I’ve lived a lifetime mourning the parents I should’ve had.

Sadness and guilt swirl sour in my gut for abandoning my mom. Anger burns that she and my father didn’t love us enough to provide for us or give us love or affection.

I’m afraid of getting roped into whatever trouble she’s gotten herself into. Thank goodness I have Connor to protect me.

A lightness opens space for relief, now that I’m not burdened by supporting my mom. Connor and I haven’t discussed rent, but I know from experience he’ll vehemently reject any money I offer him.

Just one more semester and I’ll have my bachelor’s in psychology. I’m beyond grateful I won’t need to pick up a job to cover Mom’s expenses.

Izzy and I got jobs as soon as we were old enough and went full-time after high school. I needed every penny to keep our home afloat, so going away for college wasn’t an option.

Swiftwater High offered concurrent enrollment with the community college, so I graduated high school with a handful of credits under my belt.

After graduation, I continued chipping away at online classes. I transferred my credits to the University of Northern Colorado’s online psychology program and worked towards my degree class by class.

What takes some students four years took me nearly twice as long, but it’ll be worth it.

Finals are next month, and my grades will be a critical deciding factor for internship placement during the final semester. My top choice is equine therapy, but the internship options aren’t near Swiftwater and I’m nervous to leave my sister and Connor.

Some deep breathing calms my anxiety to a low whir instead of a raging tornado. I grab my bookbag and laptop my scholarship covered and get to work on my coursework.

The stillness of Connor’s apartment is unsettling. An unexpected wave of loneliness overcomes me, so I do what I always do.

Me: Hi!

Studmuffin: Hey dollface, everything okay?

Me: Yep. The girls got me all unpacked, stocked the kitchen, and fed me.

Me: How’s work?

Studmuffin: That’s great doll!

Studmuffin: Work’s fine. They’ve got me up on the pass clearing debris from the tunnel.

Studmuffin: You caught me on break.

Me: Perfect timing! I’m so glad the weather was nice today. I couldn’t handle my first night alone if you were stuck in a storm or on bad roads.

Studmuffin: I feel like shit you’re there by yourself.

Studmuffin: I’ll try to trade for as many day shifts as I can, so you don’t have to sleep alone.