Page 48 of Beloved Beast

Devil’s hell. Luke pulled his hand from hers. He couldn’t think straight when her scent enveloped him and her warmth spread through him. Standing, he knocked the wooden chair to the floor. “I have no idea where I will be in two or three years. Or who I will be. There are too many questions with no answers.”

“I cared for a man once. I left him. I can’t leave you,” she murmured.

Luke whirled around to face her. “Why not? You’ve told me nothing about Otto Kroger. Why did you fall for him? Why are you falling in love with me? Did you ever wonder if you are mistaking physical desire for love?”

Chapter 20

Gillian couldn’t believe he said such a thing. Yet, what other conclusion was he to draw if she slept with only two men and claimed to care for both of them? “There is nothing to tell about Otto. He was lonely, in a loveless marriage. The perfect candidate for seduction.”

“Like me? Lonely, a widower for many years?”

Fury made her blood boil. “Well, I didn’t know that about you, I knew nothing about you until yesterday. How dare you make such a comparison? I am not some cold Mata Hari, for God’s sake!” She slammed her fist on the table and the cover to the sugar bowl fell off.

Luke raised an eyebrow. Then his expression softened. “I am sorry. I shouldn’t have said what I did about mistaking desire for love. Apparently I am envious of a dead man.”

“Do you want me to tell you what I feel for you exceeds anything I felt for Otto? It is true. I know it’s barely been two weeks, but my heart knows.” She banged her chest for emphasis. “How did it all start? I worked in a government office in Dover. One afternoon I was approached by my superior stating I was chosen for an assignment and to go to London right away. Along with me at SIS were a number of pretty girls, chosen for our looks, then interviewed and vetted. I fit the profile, no family, no real ties, a virgin, idealistic, and eager to serve king and country. I made the short list and entered the training program, learned German and French, and by early nineteen thirty-eight, I found myself in Berlin.” Gillian placed the cover to the sugar bowl back in place then clasped her hands on the table. Luke took a seat, his attention focused intently on her.

“I don’t deny caring for Otto, but it is different than what I feel for you. And to change the subject for a moment, how can I compete with a woman who held your heart and soul for thirty-seven years? I can’t.” Her hands were shaking, as was her voice. Due to her assignment, she was never completely honest with Otto. But here? She split open her heart and was bleeding all over the table. “I will accept I come second, but you do not come second with me. I want a future with you, Luke. No matter how long it takes. I love you.”

“Gillian…”

“No, wait. Let me tell you more about Otto, so you will understand. Sex took place in his office after work hours. Hurried encounters with no real intimacy. He did not come to my place. He didn’t dare. That Nazi she-wolf of a wife kept close tabs on him. The only time we were alone together was when we went on the business trip. He lied and told his wife I was visiting family in Dresden.” She smiled briefly at the recollections.

“Otto was kind, gentle, loving, and yes, I became completely smitten with him on the trip. But it didn’t last. Reality crashed in. I had an assignment. He was my target. And I snooped through his file cabinets, because thanks to our affair, he stupidly trusted me. I seduced information from him. Doing sexual acts his wife would never consent to, like my mouth on his…”

Luke rose from his chair, clasped her arms, and pulled her out of her seat. “Stop. I don’t want to hear anymore,” he said between clenched teeth. Then his forehead touched hers. “I am sorry you were hurt.”

A few tears leaked out of the corner of her eyes and spilled down her cheeks. “It was sordid. I made a lonely man love me and I used him. I abandoned him without a word. I hurt him. And yes, I was hurt, too. Then I find, without meaning to, I cost him his life. I will carry the guilt the rest of my days. But beyond that, I feel guilty for caring about a man who was the enemy. You know about guilt, correct? Remorse? Your wife and the hurricane? Haven’t we suffered enough? Punished ourselves enough? Why can’t we love again? Why can’t we love each other?”

Her words ended on a cry of desperation, and in response, Luke gave her a demanding kiss. As she threw her arms around his neck, the chime sounded at the front door.

“Fred’s messenger. Damn. The wig and glasses, hurry.”

Nodding, she pulled her disguise from the table and put them in place. Luke passed her an envelope. “What else did you say in this letter?” she asked.

“Answer the door. I will tell you after,” he replied.

Gillian hurried down the hall. When the youth answered her inquiry, she slid the bolt and opened the door, passing him the letter. With the door secured, she ran to the kitchen. While she was gone, Luke had put the kettle on.

“We will have tea, finish off the mince tarts and the last of the raisin cake, and after, get ready for our departure tomorrow,” he stated as he moved about the kitchen.

“And then?”

“Then I am taking you to bed for the rest of the afternoon where I will kiss every inch of your skin and make love to you until you are completely fatigued.” He walked over to her, removed the glasses, tossed the wig on the table, and then cradled her face in his hands. “Then I want your mouth on me. I want your scent all over me. I want you to…love me.”

Luke captured her lips, and the kiss he gave her ached with yearning, burned with desire. How could she leave him? It would destroy her.

* * * *

They were sitting at the table, tea, tarts, and slices of cake sitting out before them, but neither ate. Finally, Luke reached for a mince tart. “You must eat. I will prepare the leftover chicken and vegetables later this afternoon for you.”

With a sigh of resignation, she snatched a piece of raisin cake and placed it on the plate then tore it into bite-sized pieces. “You will not even entertain the suggestion of coming with me,” she said in a petulant tone.

How could he make her understand? He sipped his tea, trying to organize his thoughts. “I cannot upend my life and leave. There are too many loose ends. I have responsibilities.” She frowned, her expression bleak. “I am falling in love with you,” he said. It was true. At first he thought it best to keep his emotions tucked away, but he couldn’t, not since his reanimation. Why hold back when she bravely spoke of her feelings? “Maybe more than falling. But what we feel does not amount to much in this crazy world. Or in this present situation. I thought we could engage in a brief affair and keep emotion out of it. How incredibly naïve of me.”

Gillian popped a piece of the loaf cake in her mouth and swallowed. “I will not have you dismiss what is between us as physical desire and nothing else as you did earlier. It is much more.”

“Yes, it is much more. I am able to sense my emotions, like a rolling wave of warmth moving through me. I do not experience this with many people. I did with Glenna, to a lesser extent one or two others.” He paused, and took her hand. “And you, Gillian, right from the first moment we touched.” He smiled at the recollection. “Remember? In the air raid shelter when I passed you the mug of tea and our fingers brushed.” She nodded. “Your breath caught in your throat, your heart began to pound. I heard and felt it all. And still I proposed the affair. Why?”