Page 80 of Scoring Chance

“You two have always seemed close,” Griffin says, more diplomatically than Hank would have. “Like you two speak this special language. The passing on the ice. But even off…sneaking glances at each other. Laughing the loudest at each other’s jokes.”

“And didn’t you guys used to have sleepovers in high school? Just the two of you?” Hank arches an eyebrow.

“You think we were giving each other hand jobs at these sleepovers?”

“Yes,” Hank and Griffin say at the same time.

“For fuck’s sake. Nothing ever happened at those sleepovers except sleeping.” However, we talked. We talked about anything and everything. Those conversations in the dark were more intimate than any physical act. Tanner’s always been there for me.

“There it is again. That dopey, dare-I-say lovestruck grin.” Hank points at my face. “You’re thinking about Tanner, aren’t you?”

“Fuck off, Hank.”

“I will do no such thing.” He crosses his arms, victorious.

“Tanner is my best friend. We’ve been through a lot of shit in our lives. That’s why we’re so ‘close,’” I say, using scare quotes. “You know why we got married. It wasn’t about romance.”

“For all this non-romance, it kinda seems like you two are having your lovers quarrel play out on the ice.” Hank shrugs his shoulders to his ears.

“We’re…things are in a weird place, okay? We’re just pretending to be husbands. It’s not real.”

“Then why are you fucking?” Griffin doesn’t mince words, but boiling down what happened to merely fucking sends a flare of rage roiling in my chest.

“Don’t use that word.”

“Fine. Then why are you copulating? Fornicating? Initiating intercourse?” Griffin’s bearded face lifts into a gotcha smile.

“I believe the proper gay term is breeding each other,” Hank says.

“Stop!” I bang my fist on the table, letting my frustration spread through me.

Hank turns to Griffin, both of them having a fucking ball. “All this talk about bodily penetration is hitting a nerve.”

“I love him, okay!” I yell, getting stray looks from neighboring tables.

That shuts my friends up. It shuts me up, too. But damn, it felt good to say.

“I love him,” I say, this time quietly. “This was supposed to be a sham marriage for insurance. We didn’t plan to be intimate, it just happened. All of this just happened, like this insane plan was the most natural thing in the world. We’ve been intimate a few times now. And he wanted to keep going, but I…I couldn’t. I mean, I could have. I have zero problems in that department. Things were solid steel down there. But something held me back. And now things are weird.”

Enough nursing. I down my martini like I just held my breath for a minute.

“Why didn’t I keep going with Tanner? I wanted to. But it didn’t seem like the right thing to do.”

My friends aren’t laughing anymore. Concern rings their faces.

“Because Tanner doesn’t fool around,” Hank says softly. “Whether you planned it or not, the first time you climbed into that bed with him, things got serious.”

“Single parents don’t fuck around. Trust us,” Griffin says. He and Hank share a knowing single dad nod of solidarity. “Anytime we even flirt with someone, we’re thinking about how this will affect our kids. We’re wondering how this person will fit into our lives. We’re doing the mental calculations about whether this person would be worth upending our family.”

Hank chimes in, “I guarantee you Tanner has been doing this since the moment he agreed to marry you, even if this marriage was a so-called sham. And if it was a total sham, then I’d like my Third Eye Blind CD back.” Hank takes a breath. I’m not used to seeing him so focused when not in goal. “Tanner is a serious, thoughtful guy. Deep down, you know this, Des.”

“Griff, how did you know it was okay to introduce Jack to your girls?” I ask him. Last spring, he began dating fellow hockey player Jack. Whenever I see Jack with Griffin’s young daughters, he seems like a natural fit. Despite their massive age gap, they’re madly in love.

“It happened by accident. I was taking them to a pottery activity, and we ran into Jack. He wound up spending the whole day with us. He clicked with Annabelle and June right away. All those fears I had about introducing a new partner to them faded away without a thought. When it’s right, it’s right.”

I’ve known these kids since they were born. To me, uncle isn’t a strong enough word for my relationship to them. Getting to spend so much time with them has made me see how thoughtful and interesting they are. Dean’s wonderfully creative, and Lena’s struggling through the hell of adolescence. I love Davy’s drive and seeing how Lulu perceives the world through her five-year-old brain.

“Fuck.” I lean back in my chair, things more clear and yet more confusing. Even when we just fake kissing and giving each other hand jobs to relieve stress, I suspected this meant more to Tanner than it should have. He doesn’t mess around. I’ve barged into the lives of Tanner and his kids. Even though I didn’t mean to, I’ve been playing with his heart. “I can’t keep being with him.”