Page 59 of The Marriage Rebound

“Don’t you?” I took a nervous drink while I waited for her answer.

She wiped her hands up and down her thighs a couple times. “Keeping it hundred? I—I don’t, I don’t think I do.”

A heavy silence settled between us. And I wasn’t really sure how to process her statement. It never dawned on me that having kids wouldn’t be the next logical step in our relationship. The relationship we’d rushed into without much discussion. Just vibes.

The PDF was starting to be a little less weird.

Was her avoiding the conversation all this time to keep from disappointing me? Courtney always said she worked so damn much to give me what I wanted, but . . . much like not giving me time, she didn’t want to give me kids?

“The thing is, aside from kids being a lot, and I do mean a lot of work, I’m gone. As you are well aware.”

“I am.”

Courtney shifted, sitting up and resting her arms on her legs. “I’m gone,” she stressed again. “And I’m sure you can understand this, but being an absent parent is not my style.”

I swirled the wine in my glass, still trying to make sense of what she was saying. And trying to figure out exactly how I felt about what I was hearing. I wasn’t exactly the little girl that played mommy. Dolls were never my first choice of toy. But I liked kids, being around my baby cousins and such. I thoroughly enjoyed getting to spoil Jah’s little boy when I got the chance. But I also liked knowing there was an end time.

Still, weren’t kids supposed to be next? And I’d have someone around who wouldn’t leave me. Plus, Courtney was right, she wouldn’t want to be an absent parent, so she would be home. We’d be a family. A happy unit.

Jesus, were even my reasons for wanting a child selfish?

“Sasha?”

“Huh? Sorry. What did you say?”

“Baby, I know kids have been a topic that has come up and I know I’ve deflected.”

“And bought me a distraction,” I said with a slight laugh as low whining came from outside.

“Yeah, I did bring the little tyrant into the house.”

I got up to let him in. Vuitton ran in full force as if he’d been braving harsh conditions being outside for a short while. I finished off the remaining wine and briefly debated opening another bottle, but decided against it and placed my empty glass on the island. Courtney held her hand out to me as I approached the couch. Considering the ups and downs of the conversation, the gesture gave me hope that I hadn’t fucked up too bad. I slipped mine into hers and didn’t resist when she tugged me down next to her.

She lifted my palm to her mouth and kissed it softly. “Is this going to be a deal breaker? Because—” She paused and let out a slow breath. “Because if it is . . .”

Her eyes were solemn as she left the sentence hanging and the implication settled like a boulder.

“If it is, there’s no point?” Did I truly want to lose the woman I knew and loved for a hypothetical person?

She nodded. “And this isn’t an ultimatum or anything. My purpose in this is to take care of you and do what I can to make you happy. I know I’ve not been succeeding in that lately, but I truly do want a happy home for both of us.”

“I want the same.”

I glanced down at our intertwined fingers and tried to imagine what our life would be like if we did have kids. Things would change, a lot. And I needed to really sit and examine if I wanted those changes.

“What we’re doin’ is supposed to be takin’ time and thinkin’ things through. I’m selfish, I know this about myself. I’m selfish when it comes to you and wantin’ you around. Wantin’ your attention.”

“Okay, so what does that mean?”

I shrugged, not wanting to admit that one of the reasons I wanted us to have a child was in hopes she’d stay home. That was a level of selfishness that would probably change the way she looked at me, and I couldn’t face that. “You’ve had more time to think about all this stuff, the list. For me it’s more a pop quiz.”

“That’s fair.” She reached for her laptop, opening the lid again. “Let’s see if there is a lighter topic for now. And this isn’t me ending the conversation on kids, but giving you time. Okay?”

“Okay.” I held my hands out for her computer, which she handed over. “Man, Dijah put some serious thought into this. A timeline on when we should have had sex?”

“Like I said, type A. And Doc did say to use what we needed and discard what wouldn’t apply seeing as how we’re already hitched.” Courtney leaned over so she could also see the screen. “But we have a blueprint of sorts, which is helpful.”

“True, and guess it’s cheaper than going to counselin’.”