Page 78 of Apparently, I’m Torture

“But… why didn’t you?”

A sourness washed over me. “Because you left with Trevor. And that made the whole thing real for me. You were with someone else, you didn’t want me, and I had to move on.”

She shook her head. “You know it wasn’t really my choice, Shawn.”

“Now I do.”

She bit her bottom lip, and the urge to kiss her overwhelmed me, so I studied the ground by her bare toes. “You know the rest. I told you I couldn’t handle working with you. And it was true. I couldn’t. I loved you so much, and I couldn’t take the thought of fighting it all over again somewhere else.”

I remembered the pain as brilliantly as if it were only yesterday, and looked back up to see Lilly’s face pulled tight with frustration. “It was torture, Lil.”

“You felt all that for me?” she asked, padding closer and putting her hands on my chest.

I swallowed and nodded. “I still do. Being away from you helped, but it didn’t stop. It was why I couldn’t just pick up where we left off. Five years full of educational conferences, and every time I saw you… Lilly, I was dying inside. Everything I did was just… about burying myself in work and doing whatever I could to forget you. And sometimes I thought it worked, but then I’d see you and it just…” I broke off and shook my head.

She mimicked me, shaking hers. Her voice was edged with bitterness. “I spent so long thinking you hated me, and I had no idea why. The only thing I could think of was that maybe you were sick of dealing with my anxiety.”

I smiled, because it was such a Lilly thing. To get caught on, stuck, on the idea of me being put out by her.

“I wish you didn’t have to deal with anxiety, but it had nothing to do with my choice.”

I loved so much about that night. We laughed, we laid down next to each other, we touched. We were comfortable and it was easy. Until Trevor walked in.

“I thought you knew I wanted you, and that you chose Trevor anyway. What else could I think, Lil?”

She lifted her hands from me and slapped them against her sides.

“I flashed you, Shawn. My arms were tied up in my sweater and you saw way more of me than I ever expected you to, and it freaked me out. Then I sucked on your finger, and I had no idea what was going on. All I knew was that Trevor was coming by to pick me up for a date, and I had to go. If I didn’t, Stacey would’ve kicked me out, and I still had an exam to pass.”

She waved her arms in the air and turned a pace, keeping her glance on the ground. “I didn’t even know I was making a choice. If I knew, I wouldn’t have left.”

My body tightened. “Lilly–”

“I wouldn’t have. But I was nauseous because if Trevor saw us together like that, he’d tell Stacey. And if he told Stacey, I’d get kicked out for sure. And it was bad enough that I was awful at taking exams, if I was kicked out of the sorority, and if I failed, I wouldn’t graduate, I’d have to study for another six months, I’d lose my spot at South Bronx, and I’d never–”

“Lilly.” I gripped her arms and squeezed, stopping her from pacing and rooting her to the spot. “Calm down. You’re going to make yourself sick.”

She tore out of my grasp, whirling around to face me, hand on her stomach. “I know. That’s what I’m trying to tell you.”

She swallowed, and I winced as I pictured bile bursting through her lips. “I would’ve wanted you to kiss me. I wanted more too. But then I left you there to clean my mess… and I didn’t know how to talk to you about it. And I had people relying on me, holding things over me, and it freaked me out. I didn’t know how to fix any of it.”

She took a breath and smoothed her palm along her belly. “Trevor had nothing to do with how I felt about you. I was just so overwhelmed by everything else.”

Her eyes glassed over and panic filled me as I realized she was about to cry. Her voice warbled as I pulled her into me. “After we graduated, I thought we could work it out. But it didn’t happen like that. You wouldn’t talk to me, and I thought you hated me. I thought you didn’t want me around anymore.” She trailed off as I hugged her tight.

Whispering into her hair, I said, “I’m sorry I made you feel that way. I never hated you. I loved you so much it hurt. I still do.”

She sniffed, wiping her tears on her wrist, eyes now puffy and wet. “I love you too, you asshole.” Her small fists wound themselves into my shirt as my heart filled, so full to bursting that it burned. “If you ever do that to me again… don’t do that to me again. Ever.”

“I won’t.”

“Good,” she sniffed. “Now take me home. I’m going to make you regret ever cutting me out in the first place.”

I nodded into her hair, breathing in her toasted cinnamon scent before smothering a smile. “Yes ma’am.” And I led her out, locking up Tristy’s without a backward glance.

Chapter 29

Lilly