Page 83 of Forced Proximity

In the kitchen, I pace so much that my legs are going to cramp. Maybe there’s hope. A very real chance exists that if Lexi doesn’t feel the same way as me, it will destroy our friendship. But she must. She told me about getting shot. She cried in front of me. We share ice cream and movies and popcorn and intense games of basketball and …

‘Are you okay? You’ve been pacing for close to twenty minutes,’ Jack asks from the corner of the room. ‘Is this about what happened at the grocery store? Do you, ah, need to talk about it?’ Jack says, but his face screams Dear God, please don’t need to talk.

‘Nope, I’m good.’

He nods and leaves the room.

I run up to my bedroom, prop myself on the bed and grab my phone. My thumbs hover over the screen and my breath locks. What am I doing? I can’t wait any longer. If I wait, I might lose my chance. But if I disrespect her wishes to not talk about this, to ignore what’s happening, I might lose her friendship, which is almost as important. Almost.

Justin: Are you still up? I need to talk to you.

My phone rings within seconds.

‘Are you okay?’ Lexi asks.

I prop the phone to my ear and lay on the pillow. ‘My brain won’t shut off, and I need it to stop.’

‘Talk to me,’ she says. ‘What’s up?’

My heart thrashes inside my chest. My mouth’s dry and my gut knots. Am I really doing this? I never open up like this. Fuck. This is a bad idea. ‘I want to do this in person but also don’t. If that makes sense.’

‘Is this about the grocery store?’ she asks. ‘We’re on it. I’m still working with our security team, completing deeper background—’

‘No, that’s not it.’ I breathe in a lung full of air, hoping, begging the oxygen will bring a windstorm to settle the butterflies tormenting my stomach. ‘I’m going to throw this out there, all right? I really like you.’ There, I said it. I hold my breath and am met with silence.

After several long, excruciating moments, she speaks. ‘Well, I like you, too. I’m so relieved our professional relationship has come this far. In the beginning we struggled, but—’

‘Lexi, stop.’ My words are soft. ‘I think you know what I’m getting at.’

My stomach lurches in my throat and I can’t breathe. I feel like I’m standing alone in a stadium with all lights pointing at me. I’m really doing this, aren’t I? No turning back now. I should just make a stupid joke and laugh this off.

I swallow. ‘Is there a chance for us?’ Too late. ‘Do you ever foresee a future, when all this shit is over and you don’t work here anymore, where this … us … could be a thing? I think I feel it with you when you’re around me, but other times I’m not sure.’ My heartbeat slams so loudly in my chest, I’m sure she hears it through the phone. ‘Could there ever be an “us”?’

Several moments pass, each second more agonizing than the last. ‘I’m so sorry, Justin. You’re a really good guy, so much different to my first impression of you. I’m so sorry if my friendly demeanor gave you any sort of … false impression. It’s just, ah, these things sometimes happen when you’re forced to work so closely with people in stressful, heightened situations.’ She inhales sharply. ‘I think of you as a friend, which is both awesome and also crossing a line. But I’ll be blunt so we can continue our working, cordial relationship. There is no us. There will be no us. I’m only here to maintain your safety. And when the job is over, I will be moving on.’

My heart drops. The physical pain is the same as if she walked across my heart with her tactical combat boots, leaving nothing but a deep, bruised imprint.

Why do I do this to myself? Every horrible word my father said to me, every disappointed look my mother gave me, every self-loathing thought I’ve ever had pummels me. The heat of humiliation and devastation collides, burning my insides and I want to puke. ‘Thank you for letting me know.’ I hang up before she can tear me apart anymore.

Hot, sticky, disgusting pressure builds in my chest. How did I misread the signs so much? Did I actually think because she broke down and let me hug her, or bantered with me, that she has feelings for me?

I bring a shaky hand up to my mouth, drag it down to my chin. Her sad, sympathetic, pitying voice sets the muscles in my jaw firm, angry, tight. How could I be so stupid? The blood that just drained from my face shoots back up and spreads like fire in my chest.

I never want to see her again.

Chapter 38

Lexi

Who knew crying was so damn cathartic? I should probably try it more. Having a breakdown in the middle of Justin’s floor last week was a professional low but a personal high. Something inside me released. The anger of what happened, the self-blame, the compartmentalized sadness. A grief tidal wave broke through my barrier, and the opportunity to forgive myself trickled forward. I still have work to do. So much work. But this is a huge first step.

That day I cried with Justin, the healing power in his arms was unlike anything I’d experienced. Maybe it was him, maybe the situation. I’d been fantasizing for months about being wrapped in his arms, how the flex of his muscles would burrow into me, the way his chest would feel pressed into my body. But this was more, deeper, like he tried to physically transfer the pain from me to him, and everything in me melted. My defenses, my worries, my fear.

After a quick jog, I strip off my clothes in my bedroom and check my phone for the hundredth time to see if I missed a message from Justin.

I didn’t.

Last night when he called and asked if there was an ‘us’, I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to capture that moment, lock it in a box like a genie that holds all of my dreams. My body screamed, begged, hoped, that he could see through my bullshit words. I wanted to tell him the truth so bad it physically hurt.