Page 93 of Scarred

“Luna was wearing it,” I say, keeping it short and my emotions in check as I sit at the machine next to him and load on the weights.

“Oh, I see,” he says, suppressing a smile as I continue to ignore him. “Savi must have left it in Crystal Isle when we went to see her brother. Thanks for bringing it back.”

I grunt in response as I do my first rep.

“Coach told me you’ve been going to those restorative yoga sessions and it’s been helping,” he says, casually, and I know exactly where this is going. “Imagine my surprise when he mentioned Luna Bennett was the teacher.”

“Yeah, well, it was a surprise to me, too.” I grab the towel beside me and run it over my face before doing another set.

“You're seriously going to give me nothing here? Come on, man, I saw you two at the wedding. You couldn’t keep your eyes off of her, and now you come in here and act like you’re two seconds from punching me in the face because she was wearing my number,” he chuckles, picking up his water bottle and taking a swig.

When I remain silent, his grin only gets wider in my peripheral vision. “Just answer me this one question, and then I’ll let it go.” He takes my grunt as a yes and leans over closer, his blue eyes full of mischief. “How did it make you feel when you saw my number on her back?”

Ice rolls through my veins, and I grip the machine harder as I clamp down on my molars. My eyes bore into his as my heavy breath flares my nostrils.

It shouldn’t affect me this much…I know it shouldn’t. I don’t want it to affect me this much.

But the cold, hard truth is that it does. Thousands of fans wear my number every day, and I don’t so much as bat an eye. Thousands more wear my teammates, and I couldn't care less.

But this one particular girl out of millions wears one that isn’t mine, and I fucking lose it.

“I fucking hated it,” I admit quietly. “And I fucking hate it even more that I hated it in the first place.”

Stone’s eyes turn soft, and he sighs deeply. If anyone understands what I’m going through, it would be him. He didn’t lose a wife, but he understands loss and wanting to push away anything that could make you feel again.

“I had the same reaction with Savi when she wore Hayes’s number, which you were in on if I remember correctly,” he says, with a pointed look.

“If you feel anything remotely close to what I feel right now, I’m sorry we did that,” I say with a slight chuckle, feeling a little tension drop away.

“I hated it at the time, trust me,” he laughs dryly, “but it also made me realize how much I had already considered her mine.”

“And that’s the problem. She can’t be mine,” I say, blowing out a restrained breath. “At least not all the way. How the hell can I stop selfishly taking all that she wants to give me when I can’t give her all of me in return?”

“Can’t give or won’t?” He asks quietly.

I sit with what he said and realize that it’s not the guilt or grief anymore that’s holding me back. I’ll always carry a piece of Jules with me, and nobody can ever take that away. Somewhere along the way, the guilt isn’t suffocating me anymore. I found a way to let it go, and for the past few weeks, I’ve been…happy.

And Luna is the big reason why.

No, it’s not the guilt that’s holding me back…it’s fear.

Fear of loving someone again…of losing someone again.

Fear that if I give someone all of me again, I’m no longer in control of the outcome. My heart barely survived the first time.

A second time…there would be no more left of me.

“Won’t,” I say finally. “I won’t go down that road again. Scar needs me.” I load more weights onto my machine and push myself with another rep.

“Scar needs a daddy who’s happy…who’s living, not just going through the motions,” he says, grabbing his towel off the floor. “Take it from me, who wasted years being unhappy and numb inside, it’s not worth it. You don’t have to have all the answers right now, Blade, but don’t shut yourself off completely to loving someone again. Luna makes you happy,” he says, patting me on the shoulder and standing up. “We’ve all seen the change in you, and it would be a shame to see it go.”

He walks away, leaving me more confused than ever, not knowing what the right answers are.

And maybe he’s right. I don’t have to have all the answers now. All I know is that I’m not ready to walk away from what I have with Luna now.

I do my last rep, Stone’s words refusing to let me go.

Could I ever walk away?