Page 56 of Insidious

A shaky breath leaves me.

“Things are already looking up,” he adds quietly.

I let out a humourless laugh. “Doesn’t feel like it sometimes.”

“Yeah,” he says. “That’s kind of the problem with your brain when it goes a bit sideways. It lies.”

I glance at him. He shrugs.

“I know a bit about this stuff now,” he says. “I attended this therapy group. There was this woman. PhD in astrophysics. A genius. Organised like a general.” He pauses. “She had postnatal depression after her first baby. She completely fell apart. She couldn’t get out of bed some days,” he continues. “Thought she was a danger to her kid. Thought she was broken.”

My chest tightens.

“She wasn’t,” he says simply. “She was ill. I think …” He hesitates. “I think we’re all just human. And we all make mistakes.”

I stare at the floor.

“You have to forgive yourself for what you did when your mind was playing tricks on you. You need to let it go and move forward. You asked me to do that and now I am asking you to give yourself the same grace.” he adds.

My eyes feel gritty with tears but my shoulders don’t feel as heavy with guilt.

“Isaac called me. He loves you, despite what a fool he has been. Yes, he told me, and he let me tear him a new one,” Colin says. “He asked me to come. He does not trust me around you. The guy is jealous as hell, but he felt you needed me. So, he asked me to come.”

Something twists in my chest.

“He loves you,” Colin says, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “But whether you want to continue walking this path with him is up to you.”

A weak, broken laugh escapes me.

He smiles faintly. “Man looks like death warmed over. I am petty enough to feel he deserves it.”

I look away. We are nowhere near the forgiveness zone.

“Let me tell you what happened with my last boyfriend. I didn’t communicate,” Colin says gently. “He didn’t communicate. I blamed him. He felt worse and shut down. I got angrier …” He shrugs. “It just kept going. This was my cycle on repeat.”

I swallow.

“It might cost you your pride to talk it out,” he says. “But maybe decide if Isaac’s worth it.” A pause. “Because from where I’m standing?” He nods towards the door. “That man would burn himself to the ground for you. My guy back then … Let’s just say he was not worth it.”

Silence fills the space between us.

I don’t have an answer.

Chapter 15

Luna

Amelie is asleep in her crib. My bags are packed and ready to go. The cubicle is quiet.

Not peaceful quiet. No, there is this hum underneath my skin. The breast pump sits unused in the corner of the table. It no longer feels like a complicated piece of machinery I need to master since I allowed myself to let go of the pressure of being my child’s only source of nutrition. Over the last few days, I sat cross-legged on the bed and listened to U2 with my T-shirt pulled up and Amilie watching me as her little rosebud mouth worked. I have never had that kind of intensity focused on me—no, there was a time, but it feels far away and a lie. Now, Amelie’s soft, rhythmic breathing has the same effect as listening to waves on the beach.

Throughout last night, I chewed on what Lily and Colin said. Both pissed me off and made me think. They made me take out the little notebook Sandra gave me, and I wrote down what I was feeling, just like she told me to when everything begins to feel overwhelming. Mum stayed with me overnight. She could probably see from my sucky-lemon face that I was not open to any more advice, so she combed my hair and did a complicated French braid to keep it off my face. Then she gave me a long hug and asked, “Want to come home with me?”

I didn’t answer. I just hummed, so she kissed my hair and went to sleep on the little cot by the window.

Isaac comes in the evening with blueberry ice cream and wisely leaves it on the table before retreating without a word. It is like he is unsure if he’s allowed to exist in the same space as me anymore. The only reason I do not chuck the food at his head is because it would be a waste of good ice cream, and the nice ward staff would have to clean it up. They are run off their feet as it is.

I can’t even look at him yet. The anger is a living thing inside me, waiting with claws out for the right moment. I will shred him to ribbons.