Page 68 of Insidious

“Morning, Dr Ward,” I reply.

“Oh, just call me Helen. Have a seat.”

I nod and sit in the armchair I like. She takes the seat facing me.

Everything about the room says relax, but I can’t. This still feels like I am facing a firing squad.

She doesn’t start with questions, appearing to simply look through her notes. It’s irritating.

Somehow, she knows I have something to say.

“So,” I say, leaning forward, hands clasped. “I messed up.”

She tilts her head slightly. “That’s a starting point. Tell me what happened.”

“I tried to talk to Luna … I think it was too soon. But I just couldn’t hold it in. It did not go well.” I exhale through my nose. “I didn’t cheat,” I say quickly. “I haven’t touched Chloe. Never wanted to.”

She doesn’t react to the defensiveness, just nodding once.

“Luna said something about … an emotional affair.” I sigh, running harried fingers through my hair. “But I never—It wasn’t like that. What does that mean? An emotional affair?”

“I get the feeling you Googled this,” she says. “What did you find?”

I shift in my seat.

“I … was communicating with Chloe,” I say. “Giving her time that should have belonged to my wife. Sharing things I shouldn’t have.”

“Things you weren’t sharing with your wife?”

“Yes. I didn’t share much, but enough. My last message to her was that I still dreamt about her. I don’t even know why I sent that message. And I am afraid that’s what triggered Luna’s … you know.”

There it is, said out loud.

“What made those conversations with Chloe feel easier?” she asks.

I frown. “They weren’t easier.”

“Then why go there?”

I open my mouth, only to close it again, because I don’t have a clean answer. The real answer is messy and uncomfortable and tied up in things I’ve spent years not looking at.

“She was … familiar,” I say finally. “We were mates long ago, for years. I guess I thought there would be no expectations. Just a listening ear. Chloe admitted when we divorced that we did not suit as a couple … I don’t know why I … I don’t know.”

“Did you expect there would be no consequences just because you never touched Chloe?”

I huff a quiet breath. “That’s not fair.”

“Isn’t it?” she asks gently.

The silence stretches as I chew on that. She’s not wrong.

“I wasn’t trying to replace my wife,” I say. “I love Luna.”

“I believe you,” she replies. “Those two things can exist at the same time. YOU allowed a woman Luna didn’t trust into her space at a vulnerable time. The day your baby was born. Your mum might have been the one who brought her, but you allowed it. Luna must have perceived it as a massive betrayal. Chloe is your ex. You need to start from there and think about what you should have done differently.”

There it is, the truth I have skirted.

I lean back.