Page 80 of Insidious

I toss and turn until midnight, but sleep doesn’t come. Between Mum and Isaac, I am spoilt. they barely let me lift a finger. Mum is leaving in a day, and instead of our neighbour, Laisa, keeping me company, Isaac has convinced his boss to let him work from home again with one day at the office every fortnight. When I asked him why, he only said that it would look better if social services decide on a surprise visit. I didn’t ask any more questions.

A whimper from the crib has me rising from the bed. Amelie is just lying here, watching the glowing baby mobile. But as soon as she senses me, the little madam is hungry.

“Alright, then. Let’s not raise the dead, boss,” I tell her as I quickly change her wet nappy and settle her in the crook of my arm. She needs no encouragement to latch on as soon as I raise my T-shirt.

Time passes, and soon, it’s time to change sides. My eyes half-closed, I shush her as she fusses, and turn her to the other breast. Only now do I look up to catch Isaac leaning against the doorway, watching us. Or rather, Amelie sucking on my exposed breast. Almost automatically, I start to pull my T-shirt down.

“Please,” he says, holding my eyes with his burning ones. When I make no move to cover myself, he gingerly makes his way to sit next to me.

A trembling hand pulls the T-shirt up … and I don’t stop him.

“Let me see … please,” he pleads.

This is what we have missed … these moments that I had dreamed about.

I let him stay, his hand alternating between stroking my breast and Amelie’s cheek. My skin tingles where he left his fingerprints.

When she drops off to sleep, her lips lax and shiny with milk, he carefully takes her and settles her in the crib. And as he moves to leave, I grab his hand and pull him to bed.

For a moment, he freezes with shock. A tremor runs through him, and his hand squeezes mine a little too hard.

“Are you sure?” he asks in a voice gone rough, as if not believing it.

“If you prefer the sofa, be my guest,” I grumble as I settle under the duvet and pull it to my neck. “Don’t be whinging about a backache and blaming me for it.”

I feel him pull the duvet and slide his feet next to mine. I turn away and concentrate on breathing evenly in and out, relaxing my body, and playing dead.

I pretend I don’t feel him snuggle close to my back, the big spoon to my little one. I pretend to be asleep while he sighs and smells my hair. I pretend I don’t feel it when he gingerly slides an arm around my waist. I pretend not to know that he cries silently for the longest time before drifting off to sleep.

I pretend a lot of things …

We have so much to talk about, so much unresolved. And that doesn’t change the one thing I can’t control.

I love him too much to let him go.

Chapter 22

Luna

I can barely hold back my tears when Mum hugs me tight enough to crush my bones. Her familiar scent of coconut oil and lavender soap soothes me, even as I force myself to let her go. Moist green eyes exactly like mine convey her heartbreak at the parting, as well as her message to stay strong.

“You will be fine, my strong Luna,” she whispers before letting go and kissing Amelie’s forehead. Then she throws Isaac a sharp glance, which could mean anything from watch yourself to I have left a few booby traps for you.

She still holds him at a distance after what happened, and I suspect it is going to be an uphill task for him to win her trust back.

“Call me,” she says, her voice a little thick as she pulls me into an embrace again.

“I will.”

My voice wobbles in a way I cannot control. Her face blurs as the tears brim and then spill down my cheeks. I can feel the dip in my mood, like incoming grey clouds before the storm. How am I going to manage without her?

She pulls back to cup Amelie’s cheek, murmuring to her, then her eyes come back to me, searching.

“Take care of yourself.”

I can only nod. I know if I ask her to, she will stay. But Isaac and I … we need to sort this out.

The car door closes behind her.