Page 114 of When Ashes Fall

I’d stopped hating myself years ago, but I didn’t like what I’d done to her. And I had no idea how to make it any better.

I did know there was no way I’d let my mate go again. That was the one thing I’d decided while traveling the kingdom. It didn’t matter if I shouldn’t have happiness or a life while the curse continued because of me; I would have her.

The beast purred in agreement as I strode across the entry hall. The ivy draped over the balcony railings had shed most of its leaves, but the ones it retained already looked healthier.

My boots thudded against the wooden floor as I strode toward the healer’s room. I wanted to see her and make it very clear she wouldn’t be leaving Wildwood.

She’d given Zephyr the recipe for her potion because she was planning something. It could have been to help her make the mixture, but we all knew the truth… she’d done it in preparation of not being here to do it herself.

And that was not a possibility.

When I reached the healer’s room, Briar wasn’t there. I stood there for a minute, debating my next move. If she wasn’t here, then she was probably sleeping. She’d worked her ass off to help save the plants; no matter how badly I needed to see her, I had to let her rest.

The beast protested my decision as I climbed a back set of stairs to my floor and went to my apartment. It wasn’t happy with having to deal with constant disappointment when it came to her.

While I showered off the filth and stink, the beast rolled within me, its claws digging into my intestines as it demanded to see its mate. Since deciding to claim her again, it had been tougher to keep the monster caged.

More than a few times, it had attempted to take control while we were spreading the protective barrier by trying to transform so it could return to the castle. It was an animal that didn’t care about duties; it ran on instinct.

I’d managed to keep it caged outside of these walls, but her scent had sent it into a tailspin. It wouldn’t settle until it saw her.

Hot water pounded onto my back as I gripped both sides of my head and struggled to keep the beast restrained. My claws dug into my scalp until blood mixed with water.

Even the beast knew I’d really screwed up when it came to her, but it had to realize that going to her as a monster would only make things worse. It didn’t care.

The coldness in her eyes as she stared at me after killing the gorman had haunted me while away. She hadn’t flinched when the acid burned her hands.

The way I’d treated Briar since taking her from the harem had hurt her far more than her mother’s poison ever could. She’d truly loved Seth and possessed a giant heart. If things had been different…

What? Do you really think she could ever love you after what you’ve become?

Maybe, if things had been different, she could have grown to love the man I was now. She still desired me; that might not equate to love, but it was a start, and one I could have worked with.

I wasn’t sure there was anything left to work with.

Do you even want to be loved?

That question gave me pause as I succeeded in retracting my claws from my skull. My skin throbbed and blood still flowed, but it would heal.

Not long ago, the answer to that question would have been a resounding no. I didn’t want or need anyone’s love; I demanded respect and had the loyalty of my pack. That was enough… until Briar entered my life again, the truth of our history came out, and everything changed.

And if she did somehow love you again, could you ever love her like she deserves to be loved?

That was a question I did know the answer to. The day I accepted Marina’s lies as the truth, my soul splintered into thousands of jagged pieces that I could never put back together. Knox hadn’t fully risen that day, but Seth ceased to exist.

Loving her meant I would have to open my heart completely to her again, and deep down I knew the truth… I wasn’t capable of such a thing. Not anymore.

I didn’t want her to hate me, but I didn’t want love either. I would claim my mate because she was mine, and I would have her; nothing would stop me. Even if we could never be what we once were, we could have a pleasant enough relationship.

She deserved better, but I was what she’d have. If I were a better man, I’d set her free to find happiness elsewhere, but I wasn’t, and I was fine with that.

Turning off the water, I emerged from the shower, dried myself off, and examined the already healing wounds in my skull. They’d stopped bleeding, and only faint red marks remained as the beast continued to wail its misery.

I wrapped a towel around my waist before emerging into my bedroom. I froze when Briar’s scent assailed me; the door to my bedroom was ajar, and through it I could see her standing in the doorway of my sitting room.

CHAPTER SIXTY-EIGHT

Knox