Page 80 of Crashing Tides

I wince. “I will be.” I’m not so sure that’s true, but I can’t ask for help without risking expulsion, and I’m not ready for that.

Pinching the bridge of his nose with manicured fingers, he says, “If you need to talk to someone, please stop by the resource center. They’ll have someone available.”

“OK,” I say, glancing to the door, praying he’ll let me leave soon.

He follows my gaze. His shoulders go slack. “I do think you’ve very much improved from the beginning of the year. Whatever’s going on, it’s not worth losing your good standing at Halea.” Turning on his heel, he begins gathering his things. “Sometimes in life, we have to take care of ourselves and our futures even when we really don’t want to. If you can’t do it for yourself now, do it for your future self. Whatever you’re struggling with will pass. I can’t say the same for the consequences.”

He dismisses me with a scowl.

In the hallway, I have the terrible misfortune of sighting Duncan. His expression is grim. There’s a book clutched to his chest, but I’m too far away to make out the title.

I wonder if he sniffed my shirt last night and feel a pang.

Before he can spot me, I turn the other way and flee.

In Prophecy and Prediction, I see only blood. Professor Almara is delighted.

Jane calls me twelve times. Duncan calls me four. He leaves voicemails. I don’t listen to them.

I don’t go to dinner.

It’s not because I’m afraid to see Duncan, I tell myself. I’m just amped up. I don’t need food. I need to go for a run, write a paper, and then pass out.

Elarion’s right. It’s gonna be fine.

It’s not fine, because I can’t regulate my emotions at all. Every time I stop running, I start thinking, so I just don’t stop until my legs shake and my lungs are screeching and my heart feels like it’s going to explode inside my rib cage.

It’s only eight p.m., and I am going to go insane.

I call Aleo. “Wanna lift?”

“Uhhh…” Something shuffles in the background. “I have a party to go to.”

“Yeah, great,” I tell him, slightly out of breath. I’ve been out of breath all day, it feels like. “No worries.”

“Are you OK? I haven’t seen you all day.”

A nest of vipers has taken up residence inside my stomach. “Oh, yeah,” I say, and the vipers writhe. “Just been busy.”

“Yeah, the thing is, you don’t sound OK.”

I am several mental illnesses in a burlap sack that someone has drawn a smiley face onto. I have no idea how he hasn’t noticed this yet, or what he expects from me.

Instead of trying to convince him that I’m fine, I hang up.

Duncan calls me again.

The thing is, I really want to answer. I want to tell him to forget about everything and ask if he’ll take me back.

Then I remember Marcus’s engagement announcement and steel myself. A lie is a lie, even by omission.

Duncan’s name vanishes from the screen.

My feet carry me to the cliffs. I can’t feel my legs anymore. Can barely see in the darkness.

Something terrible is about to happen, I think, stepping right up to the ledge. Pebbles skitter over the side. The sound is lost to the crashing tides.

If I were drunk, I’d go right over again.