Page 35 of Wrong Squad, Right Mess

I could feel his sigh even in my thoughts. Still, it had me thinking about something I hadn’t been able to really put to words before. Something about speaking in our minds made it easier, like the words came out with less friction.

“Yun asked about it.” The statement was so close to what I was going to say I nearly missed that Shear had said it, not me.

Seemed we were even more connected than I realized.

“What did you tell her?”

“That it was nothing but helping you with your condition.”

“Is that really all it is?” I posed the question before I could think better of it.

Years of this bullshit and we’d never really addressed it, just chalked it up to what bros did to help each other out—or rather, for him to help me. It’d been easy to see it that way, right? Nothing but a physiological need getting met.

Except I wasn’t so sure anymore, especially after meeting Yun.

“What are you trying to say?” Shear asked, words careful, slow.

“I don’t fucking know. When the fuck do I ever know what I’m trying to say? It’s just… I don’t know. That doesn’t seem right, like it doesn’t fit, especially after last time. I think we’re a little past bro-jobs, don’t you think?”

“Did you seriously just use the term ‘bro-jobs’ to me?” Shear’s tone almost made me think he was reconsidering not just the conversation but our entire history. Still, the soft laugh I let out helped me ease my own nerves.

“I’m serious. I thought that’s all it was before Yun, but now?”

A long, unusual hesitation came from him. “Are you seeing it differently because of her? Perhaps you don’t like her seeing that side of you?”

I frowned until his meaning hit me. “You fucking idiot. I don’t mean it like that. I just mean that I realized maybe I don’t look at you like just one of the squad. I’ve fucked my way through a lot of people, so I just figured I’m wired that way. When I saw how I see Yun, though, I realized maybe I don’t see you that different…” I hated outing myself too much, telling him things I hadn’t really looked at or accepted myself, yet.

I just couldn’t let it keep going with the way he acted, the words he’d said. The idea that he thought I’d meant that because of Yun, I didn’t value him anymore? Or that I never had?

Nah, I couldn’t let that shit continue.

“I should get some sleep while I can.” Shear’s voice came out strange, strained.

Like fuck…

We’d taken up space in a large house with a bunch of fucking rooms, and it didn’t take me more than a few minutes to figure out exactly where he was. I didn’t bother opening the door, instead moving through the walls in shadow form.

“You’re supposed to knock.” He didn’t turn around to face me, instead reviewing the tablet in his hand. “So much for a gentleman.”

“Maybe you were right and I’ve never been one. You’ve known me long enough that shouldn’t be a surprise anymore.”

“There aren’t a lot of surprises between us.”

“Yet you tell me you’re gonna take a rest? Fuck that bullshit.”

“I’m not quite as physically fit as you. I get tired more easily.”

He didn’t even try to make the lie believable. Was he giving me an out? A last chance to walk away before we had this talk? Before we worked out whatever the fuck we’d danced around for years?

Too bad for him, if he thought that was going to work.

“Turn the fuck around and deal with me, Shear.” I used his name, the feeling almost strange. How often did I actually say his name? Obviously not that often…

He sighed, tossing the tablet to the bed. His hair was still wet but pulled back, making it more shiny than usual. Even if I’d ignored his whole tired lie, there was no doubt that the dark circles beneath his eyes said he was in fact exhausted. “What do you want me to say?”

“I don’t fucking know. You think I get this? Fuck, you’re the one who’s supposed to understand this sort of shit.”

“We both know I don’t understand emotions. I only can sense them from others.”