Page 59 of When Love Takes Root

Her eyes sharpened. “No, ma’am. Betrayal is what happened to him. Betrayal is that aneurysm taking him when he was supposed to grow old with you. But you smiling again? You laughing again? You letting somebody take you on a date one day if your heart gets there? That ain’t betrayal. That’s God keeping you.”

I wiped my face with the back of my hand like that could fix anything.

Leilani let me, then spoke softer. “You think Big J is in Heaven mad because you got your nails done? You think he watching you like, dang, I can’t believe she ate today?”

A laugh slipped out through a sob because she was ridiculous, even when she was right.

Leilani smiled, tears in her own eyes. “That man is proud of you. But he wouldn’t want you to turn grief into a prison.”

“I’m scared.”

“I know.

“I don’t want to lose again,” I whispered.

“You might,” she admitted. “But you might receive something beautiful too. You can’t refuse every blessing because you’re afraid of the cost.”

“I don’t even know how to date anymore,” I admitted with a weak laugh. “I was with Jamal for so long. I don’t know what people even do now.”

Leilani smiled. “You don’t have to know today.”

“I wouldn’t know what to say.”

“You’ll figure it out if the day ever comes.”

I looked down at my hands. “That feels like learning a new language I forgot I ever knew.”

“It’ll come back,” she said. “And if it doesn’t, your sisters and I will be right there, giving unsolicited advice you didn’t ask for.”

A laugh escaped me. “I know y’all will.” My throat tightened. “I miss him.”

“I know you do.”

“I miss him so much. I miss him walking in the shop. I miss him calling me baby. I miss him bringing the kids. I miss his hands. I miss his laugh. I miss having somebody to lean on. I’m tired, Leilani. I’m so tired.”

Leilani’s eyes filled again. “Then say that. Don’t hold it in like strength means silence. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted. He can handle the truth.”

“I’m scared to hope.”

“Then don’t hope big. Hope small.”

I blinked. “What do you mean?”

“Hope small, like maybe you let the electrician fix the panel without acting like his presence is a sin.”

I laughed wetly. “Leilani.”

“Hope small, like maybe you let somebody be kind to you without paying for it with guilt. Hope small, like maybe you remember you’re still a woman, not just a widow.”

That one broke me open because it was true. I’d been living like widow was my only name.

Leilani watched me like she wasn’t letting me go back into denial. “So I’m gonna ask you again.” I already knew. Her head tilted. “Will you ever date again?”

“I don’t know,” I whispered.

For the first time in ages, I didn’t say no.

Leilani squeezed my hand. “That’s enough for tonight.”