Page 40 of Her Sloth

I close my eyes as the dread in me overwhelms me, mixing with that deepest desire of just being held. Held by someone who tells me everything is going to be alright while the world around me is burning down in roaring fire.

A tear rolls down my cheeks as I rip my hand away and swing myself off the wall, walking away.

“Addy,” she calls after me as she follows me. “You can’t run away from everything.”

I stop.

I turn.

She is so close.

I grasp her face with one hand.

She has these beautiful brown eyes staring up into mine, flickering like dark crystals in the flickering light from behind me.

“I’m not running,” I say. “I’m walking away because I won’t be responsible for ruining just another life.”

11

CASS

PLAYLIST: IN THIS SHIRT – THE IRREPRESSIBLES

“Walking away won’t get you anywhere,” I say as she lets go of me. “Telling you as a professional walk-awayer.”

She stares at me; I stare back, not breaking the gaze. I have no idea what I am doing here, and maybe she is right, but somehow, I can’t stop myself.

“There is something you need to see,” I say and tilt my head to the cars.

She hesitates for one moment, but then nods.

I get to my Hellcat, and she follows my lead in the Eleanor. We drive into the tunnel leading to Manhattan, slipping out of the cars and the separators between the two lines, zigzagging.

I take the lead to Weehawken, to the tower where it all started and ended.

I park the car at the end of the hotel parking lot at the end of the street; no one here cares at this time of the night.

I get out.

The hair on my arms stands up solely from being here again, from all the memories this place holds. And now I am back here, with the Eleanor it all started with.

The gurgling Eleanor falls silent, and Addy gets out.

Not Elise.

Addy.

I am a total idiot for taking her here, but I tilt my head anyway, telling her to walk with me.

It’s just a couple of steps from the parking lot onto the walking path surrounding it until we’re at the railing overlooking the Hudson River and the illuminated city.

I lean onto the railing, staring into the distance. Everything feels so heavy here.

“This is where I first met her,” I say. “We took over the area; she just turned sixteen. I taught her how to make donuts on this very lot.”

I swallow hard. I haven’t talked about anything regarding Elise since she—since⁠—

“When your father restricted her, I came here every night, waiting, hoping, but that bodyguard she had kept her from stepping over any line.”