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I wanted her to be mine. My little girl.
“Lexi bug,” I heard behind us, the rough voice of her uncle Remy and the realization of what it meant making me squeeze her hand tighter.
He was here to pick her up, and I didn’t know when I’d get to see her next.
The uncertainty nauseated me. I literally felt my stomach churn in discomfort over the mere idea of never getting to take her to football practice, of never getting to watch her focused little face while she worked out a complicated algebraic equation that was no doubt over my goddamn head. Birthdays, holidays, lazy Sundays at home.
I had no claim to any of it, and that was the worst kind of hell.
Lex turned immediately, a smile on her face for one of the great loves of her life, and I did my best to go with her momentum instead of fighting it. She didn’t need any of my personal baggage adding to her own.
“Wes,” Remy greeted coolly as my gaze met his.
I didn’t blame him.
A picture of a commitment-phobic, selfish version of me had been painted, and my goddamn hand had been the one holding the brush.
“Hey, Remy,” I said back, smiling and looking down into Lexi’s excited eyes. I’d scale any mountain, withstand any foray into the most awkward of moments to keep that look on her innocent face.
Still, I couldn’t help but poke the bear just a little.
“Spending time with your second-favorite uncle?” I asked. “Sounds like a good night to me.”
“Second-favorite?” Remy muttered roughly, the outrage lashing so far out of his throat it felt like the tip of a whip—but it was of the pleasurable kind.
Lex giggled, and that was all it took to turn his scowl into a smile. She was his world.
I just hoped he’d eventually understand she was mine too.
The dingy lights of the hospital shone more powerfully as the blond of Winnie’s hair came into view behind Remy.
I looked straight past him, right to her, as I offered, “I can take Lexi home if you need to stay here at the hospital for a while.”
Remy’s brows drew together briefly before looking over his shoulder to see his sister.
“Actually,” Winnie said, “I’m meeting Nick for a late dinner.”
Nick? Lexi’s father? The one man who’d stupidly chosen his career over this beautiful, perfect fucking woman and the most precious, brilliant little girl in the world?
Fuck, this hurts.
Pain pierced my skin and flooded into my eyes enough that even Remy winced.
Holding out a hand to Lexi, he murmured, “Uh, Lex and I are gonna take off. You two can talk.”
Translation: you need to.
We looked like mirror images of one another, both looking after their retreating forms longingly. Lex looked back and waved, and both of us smiled and waved back.
I wanted us to be doing it as a unit—but we couldn’t have been further apart emotionally if the entire span of Earth had been between us.
As silence stretched on, the threat of her date with Lexi’s father looming in the air, I knew it was now or never. I had to lay it on the line and tell her how I’d felt since the beginning.
“I knew it would end this way,” I blurted in admission, the heady mix of thoughts and desires blurring my ability to organize any of them into a helpful order.
She tilted her head to the side, and I watched as her blond hair slid softly from her shoulder. She searched my eyes long enough that I repeated my words.
“I did. I knew it would end this way.”
“You knew what would end what way?” she asked, even though I was almost positive she knew both of the answers.
“Us,” I clarified anyway. I looked her directly in the eyes, and my heart seized at the truth there. Heartbreak. Longing. Unabashed disappointment.
I pushed on anyway, hoping by some miracle I’d be able to make it better.
“I knew we would end badly. From that very first moment, I knew it would be a train wreck.”
She looked like I’d slapped her, the red suffusing her cheek with the same intensity as if my hand had left its actual mark.
“Then, why?” she demanded. “Why go there at all if you knew?”
“Because,” I told her honestly, hoping my heart was in my eyes. Because now, unlike all the times before, I was actually trying not to hide it. “It was unmistakably impossible not to.” My voice dropped to a whisper. “From the first moment my eyes met yours in that locker room, I knew I’d never breathe another satiated breath until I had you.”
I knew it came out wrong the second I said it, the words “had you” implying something altogether uglier than the warmth and affection—fucking love—that bled and pumped through my heart. She was seeing my confession as something shallow, something I didn’t want it to be, and the urge to fix it came out garbled too.
“I wanted more than just to sleep with you.”
Fuck, Wes, I mentally chastised. Enough with the goddamn past tense.
“I have to go,” she breathed, turning to leave without a second thought.
And her mind wasn’t the only one thinking in half measures. I reached out and grabbed her, closing my fingers around her arm and pulling her back toward me before the action even registered in my mind.
There was no plot or plan, not even a scheme for what would happen when I got her there, plastered against me.
But my body didn’t need any incentive or explanation. My lips met hers in a flash, the speed and intensity so vivid it was almost harsh, and her intake of breath provided the perfect opportunity to touch my tongue to hers.
She gave in at once, dancing a sensual dance with me for one heartbeat and the next, until almost a full five seconds had passed and my hands were holding on to her ass like a lifeline—and then sanity returned. For her. As her hand connected with my face on a smack, I knew mine would be gone for some time—quite possibly forever.
“Winnie,” I whispered, desperation clawing from my throat and spilling past my lips.
“No,” she whispered fiercely. “I deserve better. Lex deserves better. And for fuck’s sake, Wes, so do you.”
And then she was gone—an empty hall, the quiet cries of innocence, and a broken heart all that were left to keep me company.
Fuck, I couldn’t—no, I wouldn’t let it end like this.
Not. Like. This.
I wanted Winnie and I wanted Lexi and I wanted our family.
The New York wind whipped around my face as I opened the door to Gramercy Tavern. My cheeks felt like little ice cubes in response to the short walk from the cab to the restaurant, hell, my entire body felt like it had been doused in ice-cold water, but I had a feeling that had nothing to do with the chilly, early spring weather.
I couldn’t shake the racing thoughts of Wes and his words and how easily I’d lost myself in that kiss. It had taken every ounce of willpower I had to dig deep enough into the recesses of my brain—that seemed far too content to feel Wes’s lips against mine for the rest of forever—and find rational thought in that moment.
Maybe it was a little overkill to actually slap him across the face—holy shit—but I couldn’t seem to stop these insane emotions when it came to him. He quite literally drove me crazy.
You wouldn’t care if you weren’t still in love with him, my heart rationalized.
No kidding, Captain Obvious, my brain shouted back.
I wasn’t sure if I would ever not be in love with Wes.
But I knew that I had to find a way to move forward, versus backward, where I let myself give in to epically stupid moments like letting Wes kiss me, and more than that, kissing him back with just as much fervor.
I made a beeline for the restroom, before heading to the table Nick had reserved. I just needed a minute. Just a fucking minute to find my sanity.
I felt like pieces of myself were scattered across the marble floor, and I couldn’t pick them up fast enough. I had too many emotions, too many fucking feelings and no one to run to. No shoulder to cry on. No comforting arms to find peace in.
Wes is that person. He is that person…
Fuck. I had to pull myself together.
I switched my focus to applying an unnecessary coat of lip gloss and decided I really just needed to get this night over with so that I could get my ass home. Ugly pajamas, a pint of ice cream, endless Netflix episodes and my bed were much needed right now.
As I walked out of the bathroom and spotted Nick at a table for two, it took a lot of effort to keep my feet moving toward him, rather than turning on their heels and heading straight for the nearest exit door.
“Glad you could make, Win,” he said with a soft smile, as the server pulled out my chair and helped me into my seat.
It was safe to say, I was in the very last place I wanted to be, sitting down across from Nick Raines at Gramercy Tavern to “talk.” Whatever that meant. He was in town for a medical conference with NYU and decided it was vital we have an important discussion.
That was exactly how he had put it: important discussion.
He tended to be fairly emotionless in general, when he wasn’t on one of his good-time highs, never really opening up and always guarding himself from the outside world, for whatever reason that might be. It was something I had most definitely learned to expect from him.
And honestly, I often wondered if the deep-rooted issues and insecurities within himself were the sole reason he kept his distance from his daughter.
But those weren’t my demons to battle. They were his.
