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I had tried to battle them in the past, tried to get him to open his eyes and realize what he was missing by being absent from Lex’s life, but it was impossible to convince someone of something when they weren’t ready.
They had to decide those things on their own, for themselves.
“You look beautiful, Win,” he said as I adjusted my seat closer to the table.
“Thanks.”
“Do you need a minute to look at the menu?”
I glanced up at him, surprised by his patience. Nick was not a very patient man when it came to normal, everyday life. In his career, in medicine, he was the most patient, talented neurosurgeon you’d ever meet, but real life urged the complete opposite response from him.
He looked different. His face was softer. The usual three-week beard he generally sported had been trimmed to a handsome two- to three-day length. And his normal attire of stuffy suits and ties had been replaced by a well-fitted sport coat and a white collared shirt that had the first two buttons undone in a relaxed manner.
His brown eyes appeared tender, and the serious lines around his eyes had seemed to vanish, nowhere in sight.
I looked down at my menu and then back up at him. “No, I’ll probably just get their smoked tomato soup.”
He grinned. “You’ve always loved that soup. But I have a feeling it has more to do with the gourmet croutons than anything else.”
God, he was being weird tonight. I honestly hadn’t thought he’d known a single restaurant menu item that I enjoyed, much less a simple yet surprising insight like that.
I shrugged. “Well, I tend to be a pretty big fan of anything carb-related.”
He laughed softly, and when the server stopped by our table, Nick ordered for both of us, even adding a glass of my favorite Riesling to the list.
Seriously, who was this man, and what had he done with Nick?
I was starting to have flashbacks of the Nick I’d first met, way back in med school. The guy who loved to have a good time, the guy who wasn’t so focused and serious, the guy I had once enjoyed spending all of my time with.
That Nick had fled the scene a very long time ago. I honestly hadn’t seen him since before I found out I was pregnant with Lex. Once he had decided to make neurosurgery his priority, nothing else mattered. Nothing else but Nick and his career.
A few moments of comfortable silence passed between us, and then he cleared his throat, pulling my attention from the center of the dining room back to our table.
“I’d like to discuss a few things, Winnie.”
Well, that was a bit cryptic…
“Ooookay.”
“I’m looking to move back to New York permanently. I’d like to be closer to our daughter. I’m tired of missing out on so many things in her life. I have a lot of regrets related to that. The way I’ve been as a father.”
“Absent father,” I added without feeling the least bit bad about it. He needed to hear those words.
He nodded sullenly. “You’re right. I deserved that. But I would like to change that. I’d like to really get to know her, spend more time with her. I’d like her to be comfortable with me. I want to be a part of her life as much as I want her to be a part of mine.”
I let his words sink in for a few moments, unsure of my exact emotions. I was torn between feeling relieved and feeling very skeptical. I mean, this was a man who had made a career out of avoiding his daughter. He had often made promises he couldn’t keep. He had disappointed Lexi time and time again.
He had disappointed her so many times throughout her life that my little girl had just given up hope of him being there for her. Sure, I had never heard those words pass her little lips, but I knew my daughter. I knew her facial expressions, and I knew her heart.
And I just couldn’t bear to let him break it again.
“Can I be honest?” I asked once I finally got my thoughts in order.
“Of course.”
“I can’t really believe your words, Nick,” I admitted. “I think the only way I will eventually believe you really mean this is if you show me over and over again that you are really going to be the father that Lexi deserves.”
“I understand. I really do. And I will prove it to you. I promise, I will prove it to you.”
He’d used the word promise so many times in the past that it literally meant nothing to me. Nick’s promises were absolute shit. They were hollowed-out words that were void of meaning or good intentions.
“Let’s just give it time, Nick.”
“Time?”
“Yes, time,” I responded. “You need to give me time, and most importantly, you need to give Lexi time. I don’t want you to hurt her again. She’s been hurt too many times by you in the past. And I know it is going to take her time to be comfortable with you, to want to spend time with you.”
“What about you?”
My brow furrowed. “What do you mean? What about me?”
“Will it take you time to give me another chance?”
I sat back in my chair, shocked by his question.
“I want another chance with you, Winnie. You are the love of my life, and I hope one day you’ll give me a second chance to prove that I really do mean that.”
My jaw dropped to the floor. “The love of your life?” I nearly choked on the words as they slid across my tongue.
“Yes, the love of my life,” he repeated, and honestly, I just wanted to smack him.
Hell, I guess I just wanted to smack every-fucking-body tonight.
I really needed to get my ass home before I ended up in a New York jail cell.
“You really have an odd way of showing that I am the love of your life,” I stated, my voice growing more irritated. “You left me by myself to care for a newborn baby, while I was still trying to get through my residency. For the first few months of Lexi’s life, you never answered my calls. You didn’t even see her for the first time until she was four months old. I honestly have a hard time believing that I am the love of your life.”
“I was scared, Win. I was afraid and I was young and I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing.”
I shook my head. “No, you actually did know what you were doing. You wanted to focus on your career, and you didn’t want any distractions that could possibly pull you away from that. You wanted your career more than you wanted a family.”
Completely unexpectedly, his face melted into a smile. I pushed away from the table, apparently, even my posture had aggression, and slammed my back in the chair. “What the fuck?”
He shook his head, smile still engaged, and smacked an enthusiastic hand on the table. “Well, look at you, Winnie Winslow.”
“What?” I asked. “What the fuck is going on here?”
“Relax, Win,” he urged. “I’m kidding.”
Kidding? What was this? Some kind of sick joke?
“Kidding? God, you are some kind of asshole. She’s your daughter.”
He turned serious then, reaching for my hand as I pushed back from the table to stand. “No, no. Jesus. I’m not kidding about Lexi. I’m moving to New York. I just accepted Head of Neuro at St. Luke’s, and I really do want to get to know her. But at your pace—her pace. I know my track record is shit, but I’m not that big of an asshole.”
“Then what the fuck are you kidding about?” I nearly shouted.
He smiled again. “About us. Me and you, us. I know you’d have to have a fucking tumor to consider trying anything with me more complicated than an orgasm.”
I rolled my eyes.
“Though, I’m guessing those are off the table too.”
“Nick!”
He held up his hands in a placating gesture. “I’m just proud of you is all.”
I scoffed in response. “Proud of me? You are an asshole,” I said a bit too loudly as I stood up from the table and tossed my napkin down.
“Seven years ago, you never would have spoken to me this way. You never would have stood up to me like this.”
“I would have. I did.”
His eyes creased at the corners, visible pain resting behind his retinas. “You’re wrong, Win.”
I turned to leave, and he reached out to take my hand one more time. “Sit down. Please?”
My fists clenched and my molars nearly cracked, but I sat down and raised my brows.
“You’re right, now. You and that fire and everything you do for our daughter.”
I gripped the edge of the table to stop myself from doing something ridiculous like throwing my wineglass at his head. “Let’s be honest here. She’s never been our daughter. She is my daughter. I have raised her, and I will continue to raise her. I am the one who has provided for her. I have kept her safe and warm. I have loved her with everything I have. And I have always been there for her.”
“Exactly. That’s the fire.”
I laughed without humor and closed my eyes. “What in the hell is your point here?”
Goddammit, one more crazy conversation with a man and I was going to scratch my own eyes out.
His perfect teeth shone in the light as he opened his smile wide, teasing, “Maybe I am still in love with you.”
“Nick, goddammit.”
His fucking cheeky smile grew. “Kidding, Win. But holy hell, I can’t wait to be friends.”
Friends with the irresponsible, nonexistent father of my child?
God help me.
