Page 171 of His Surrender

His lips press together. For one hopeful second, I think he will pull me into his arms.

Instead, he looks exhausted. “I don’t know if I can do this.”

My stomach drops even though I knew the words were coming.

“Do what?”

He gestures helplessly between us. “This.”

“Love me?”

His expression twists. “Love you and survive it.”

The sentence breaks something inside me. I refuse to let him see how deeply. I place both hands against his chest again and feel his heart hammering beneath them.

“You don’t have to decide anything tonight.”

His shoulders sag. “I’m not trying to hurt you.”

“I know.”

“I don’t want to lose you.”

“Then don’t push me away.”

His face crumples for one brief, unguarded moment.

“I don’t know how to be what you need when every part of me wants to lock the door and never let you leave again.”

“You are not that man.”

“You don’t know what fear can turn someone into,” he argues.

“Neither do you. This is the first time it has happened. You are treating one awful night like proof that you are incapable of loving me.”

“I’m treating it like a warning.”

The certainty in his voice frightens me.

Liana makes a soft sound in her sleep. We both look toward her, and the moment breaks.

Dean lifts her carefully from the playpen and carries her down the hall. I follow a few steps behind, watching the way his body instinctively softens around her, even while everything else inside him remains tense.

He lowers her into the crib and stands there longer than necessary, one hand resting against her small back.

I remain in the doorway.

The sight of him with her fills me with an ache so deep that it becomes difficult to breathe.

This is the life I want. Dean and Liana. The apartment filled with mismatched ornaments and baby toys. Dinner cooling because life got in the way.

For the first time, I realize wanting it does not mean I get to keep it.

Dean turns away from the crib. He looks older than he did this morning.

“Try to sleep,” I whisper.

He nods, though I doubt he will. I wait for him to ask me to come with him, but the request never comes.