Page 43 of Can’t Say No

This is exactly what I needed to avoid tonight.

“I’m… it’s… I…” I search for the words to explain any of the million thoughts in my head, but the prevailing ones are far too inappropriate to share out loud.

I squirm under his unrelenting grip. With a sigh, I give in. “It’s a lot.” I gesture around the fire pit to the students, and to the very narrow space between us. “I should be hitting the midpoint of my tour now, and I should be recording new stuff, and I should be working on brand deals. But I’m here, chaperoning a choir trip.” And sitting in your damn lap. “The change of pace is giving me whiplash. Feeling overwhelmed, I guess.”

Connor relaxes his hands a little and takes some of my rigidity with it.

He nods slowly. “That’s fair. But maybe don’t worry so much about what you should be doing and just focus on what’s happening now. This is where you are. Maybe just be here.” He shrugs and switches his attention to two students using their roasting sticks at lightsabers, but makes no move to release his hold on me.

I follow his gaze. Here is pretty great. The sun has set, the air is cool, and the kids are having a blast. Sure, my situation is far from ideal, but it’s not horrible either. And all my jumbled-up feelings about Connor and his hands can probably be chalked up to exhaustion and ovulation.

For just a moment, it feels possible to set down my frustrations and fears about the future. For just a moment, I think I can be here.

“Hey, Miss James,” Abby shouts from across the fire, “know any good campfire songs?”

I let a big smile spread as I hop off Connor’s lap to lead our little group in some John Denver. Connor joins in on the chorus, loud and very off key.

Here is pretty great.

16

DELANEY

“Holy shit, that was amazing.”

The rollercoaster I just stepped off roars to life again behind me, bringing another wave of screaming passengers careening and twisting against the backdrop of the Tennessee mountains.

Abby laughs as her best friend, Cass, and I struggle to catch our breath.

“I’m getting in line to go again, y’all coming?”

The energy this girl has. We’ve been going nonstop since the theme park opened. The choir performed midmorning, and since then they’ve had the run of the park. I can’t believe I spent my whole childhood just a few hours down the road but never visited Dollywood.

Unsurprisingly, my parents weren’t theme park people. Also unsurprising, Connor’s family had season passes.

“Girls, I’m beat. I gotta find some food and sit for a while.”

I thought tour life was exhausting. Trying to keep up with teenagers all day is next level.

The girls wave and scamper off to get in line for another round while I, legs still shaking from the thrill ride, turn to look for a snack. I tug my ball cap back on, my attempt at keeping a low profile around the park.

Thanks to the casual clothes Caroline let me borrow, and the undercover security detail that’s been tailing me all day, I’ve been mostly unbothered.

A herd of our boys come crashing around the corner, Connor with them. I watch them for a moment, unseen. He’s laughing at one of the guys, and it strikes me just how good he is at this.

Teaching abilities aside, he’s a natural with the students. Not too overbearing, but also not too carefree. He’s got the right personality to help the students feel valued, supported, and brave enough to chase their dreams. The kind of teacher every kid deserves.

I wonder if he knows how impactful his work is.

I’m a glorified puppet at this point. They don’t let me sing any of my own music. I don’t pick out my own brand deals. I certainly don’t choreograph any of my shows. Hell, this week is the first time in God knows how long that I’ve picked out my own outfits. And even those are borrowed.

It’s a stark contrast. Connor is so sure of himself and his work. But me? I’m floundering to keep up with the charade in pursuit of a career I’m not sure I even love anymore. I try not to let those thoughts sour my mood as the boys spot me and head my way.

Connor’s smile, the big, easy one he gives away so freely, helps chase some of my demons away.

“There’s my girl!” He pulls me in tight for a hug. “We’re about to hop in line for Lightning Rod, wanna join us?”

“No, no. I just got off of that one and still haven’t recovered. I think I’m done with rides for the day. I’m on the hunt for food now.”