Page 66 of The Best Christmas Choir Ever

“Everything’s fine,” Charlie said. Fine. Fine. Fine! Was the room starting to spin? “I just need to get some air.” She turned on her heel and darted for the door, stumbling into the hall.

She didn’t know where to go from here. It was frigidly cold outside, and she’d left her coat in the music room. The common room would likely be filled with other residents. Maybe Gram’s suite? She headed in the direction of the elevator but turned into the dining room instead.

It was dimly lit and blessedly empty between meals, and she grasped the back of a chair, sucking in a sharp breath. She hadn’t been gripped by anxiety this strong in a while. Not since the months immediately after Tom’s passing. But that damn box inside her was splitting at the seams, all the unwanted emotion and memory leaking free.

“Hey, you okay?” Julian said, walking into the room. “Doris said you rushed off looking sick.”

Charlie squeezed her eyes against the uneasy thrum of her heart. “I just needed a breather.”

“Hey,” Julian said again, softer this time. He came closer. So close Charlie thought she might burst into tears when he laid his hand on her arm. “Hey? What’s going on? Did something happen? Talk to me.”

“I…” She opened her eyes and smoothed her hair back from her face, hands trembling. “I don’t know how you do this every day.”

“Charlie, what are you talking—”

“Frank’s sick!” she said. “Warren said he was admitted to the hospital last night. He couldn’t tell me anything else. I don’t know how serious it is. I don’t know if he’ll be back before the competition. I… It’s so stupid. I know that.” She fought the tremor in her voice. “But for a moment, it felt like finding out about Tom all over again.”

“Okay,” Julian said gently, rubbing slow circles into her shoulder. “That’s okay. I get it.”

“It’s not okay!” she snapped. “I don’t know how you spend so much time with the residents knowing that you’re going to lose them one day. Maybe even one day soon.”

His hand slid across her shoulder, wrapping around the back of her neck, bringing her forehead to his chest.

Charlie caved into the feeling, letting his steady breathing dull the sense of panic inside her.

“To answer your question, it was something I had to come to terms with. In this job, in any long-term care setting, illness and death walk alongside us. But I eventually realized that it was a disservice to myself and to the people I cared about not to enjoy every single minute of time I have with them.” He stroked the fine hairs at the base of her neck. “And let me assure you that the beautiful moments make up for the sad ones. I haven’t worked a day at Glendale when I haven’t doubled over laughing or learned something amazing. It’s those little things that make the inevitable loss bearable.”

Charlie swallowed, the emotion jamming in her chest. That didn’t make sense. “I don’t… I don’t know how you’re okay with this.”

Julian’s eyebrows pulled together. “I guess I just try not to dwell on it.”

“And that’s what you think I’m doing? Dwelling?”

“That’s not what I said.”

She blinked up at him. “But it’s what you meant.”

“I just think… What good is worrying away the time I might have left with them? It won’t stop life from carrying on.”

And it wouldn’t stop her from being swept away, Charlie realized. It didn’t matter how hard she tried to keep her head above water, there was always a new storm, a new torrent, waiting to drown her. “This isn’t working,” she said, pressing a shaky hand to her chest.

“I think you’re blaming yourself for something that wasn’t ever in your control,” Julian told her.

“Are we talking about Frank or Tom?” she said, a slight edge to her voice.

“Can’t it be both?”

She gritted her teeth, feeling weight behind her eyes. She’d been silly to enjoy herself. She should have known it wouldn’t last. How could it?

“These things just happen, Charlie.”

“I don’t know how to be okay with that,” she said, stepping away from him. “I don’t know if I can do this.”

“And that’s okay, too,” Julian said. “I get that you’re shaken. Why don’t you take the afternoon, and I’ll finish up with the choir?”

“No,” Charlie said sadly. “I don’t know if I can do this at all.” And with that, she turned and headed for the parking lot.

Charlie puttered around Gram’s house for most of the afternoon, not really sure where to focus her attention. She’d started wrapping Christmas presents in the living room, then ditched that to sort through Gram’s mail, then tried to review some of the audition emails but ended up deleting most without reading them.