Page 78 of The Best Christmas Choir Ever

Sixteen

Charlie

Charlie attempted to close her suitcase, grumbling as the zipper snagged. She’d need to invest in a new one soon, though all it had to do was survive the car ride to New York City. Then maybe she’d stick around there for a while after the Lincoln Center performance. She had a lot of contacts in the city, and someone was always looking for a roommate or to sublet. Or maybe she’d finally take one of Alicia’s many audition emails seriously. If she booked a national tour, she could keep traveling. A new city every week, a new state every month or so. The schedules were hectic, and she didn’t love the idea of living out of a multitude of hotel rooms. But at least the chaos would keep her busy.

It would certainly keep her from thinking about Elm Springs and Glendale and Julian.

Charlie gritted her teeth, forcing the zipper past the snag.

She’d pushed her departure to the very last minute, mulling over this decision. She knew accepting the offer to perform with the Philharmonic was the right choice. She’d known that even before Julian had put his two cents in. The only reason she hesitated now was because she’d let him get inside her head.

Maybe more than just her head. He’d started to worm his way back into her—

No! Close the lid. Lock it all away.

She was trying. But the way he’d looked at her the other morning—like she’d punched him square in the chest—wasn’t fair. He shouldn’t be allowed to make her feel this way.

What was he doing, looking at her private emails anyway? She knew he hadn’t meant anything malicious by it, but still! This was her news to share when she was ready. It should have been happy news. He should have been congratulating her. He should have been absolutely ecstatic!

But instead he’d looked so…betrayed. She knew she was leaving the choir at a crucial time, but she was only ever volunteering in this role. And she hadn’t even wanted to sign up for it in the first place. The choir, the competition, that was all Julian’s idea. Charlie had done her best to set them up for success, so he wasn’t allowed to look at her like that.

He wasn’t allowed to make her feel worse than she already did.

This should have been the easy part—packing her things and leaving. She’d be a fool to turn down this opportunity for a little community choir competition. An invitation to perform onstage with some of Broadway’s biggest stars? Charlie should pinch herself. Tom certainly would have.

Sure, maybe part of her felt a little guilty because if it hadn’t been for that viral video circulating, maybe Alicia never would have gotten that call. But it’s not like she could blow off the Lincoln Center to stand onstage and ring some jingle bells.

This wasn’t supposed to be a hard decision.

So, what was her hang-up? Her sense of obligation or her concern for Gram? The fact that her parents would be sad that she was skipping out on yet another Christmas? Yes, to all those things. But beneath that, in some dusty part of her heart, the worry that plagued her most was for Julian.

She had no idea where they stood or when she might see him again if she left. Would it be eight more years? Would she return to find him living a completely different life—happy with someone who wasn’t her?

The thought made Charlie’s insides twist uncomfortably. She fought off the panic that bubbled up her throat. They weren’t…together. Not like that.

She liked him. A lot. But could she put her life on hold to stay here? No… She had to get back to performing, to be surrounded by applause at night and skyscrapers in the morning. She wanted an orchestra behind her. She wanted the Lincoln Center and whatever came after. And just like last time, Julian didn’t quite fit into that picture.

What did it matter anyway? She was still furious with him as his words rang in her head.

I think you’re trying to prove something to yourself or to Tom’s memory, but I don’t think that’s truly going to make you happy.

He’d only been back in her life for a month. They’d been apart for eight years. He didn’t know her well enough to say such things. He had no idea about her dreams.

What do you even know about your own dreams? some little voice in her head argued.

She dragged the suitcase off the bed in a huff. It thumped to the floor, narrowly missing her toes. Charlie was going to New York City regardless of what Julian said.

She knew what she wanted.

She wanted what Tom had wanted.

She hadn’t intended for her goodbyes to be so rushed, but when she’d walked through the doors of Glendale, Alicia had messaged to say that there’d been a change in the rehearsal schedule, and the sooner Charlie could get down to the city, the better.

It was a three-and-a-half-hour drive into the city, and that was with good weather and traffic. Charlie had been keeping an eye on the snow. The last thing she wanted to do was get stuck on the freeway in some sort of blizzard, which meant she basically had to get on the road now. That didn’t really leave time for her to round up the choir and say her goodbyes. Besides, it was getting closer to the holidays. Most of the residents were busy with visiting family or friends. The last thing Charlie wanted was to interrupt all that for some awkward farewell.

Was that a cop-out? Maybe.

But she couldn’t bear for any of them to look at her the way Julian had—like she’d stomped on his heart. And that was why she should have left her feelings in that box, because caring this much about something—someone—only set her up for heartache when she had to say goodbye.