Page 105 of These Secret Years

“You’re calling me? It’s late. Are you okay? What is this number?”

The sound of his voice causes the tears that dried up while I was pulling myself together with Chelsea to spill over. “Do you miss me?” I ask, my voice unable to hide the fact that I’m crying.

“Yeah. I do. Do you miss me?”

“Yeah.”

“What number is this?”

“I got a new phone.”

“And a new number?”

“I got another phone,” I say.

“Okay. Are you all right?” he asks again.

“Do you ever think you were a mistake?”

He’s silent. Not even a breath comes through. I check the phone to make sure the call is still connected. Then he says, “Sometimes.”

“Cause life would go on, right?”

“It’d be a hell of a lot less beautiful.”

“Without you?” I laugh shortly. “Maybe.”

“Without you,” he says. “Without your face. Without your music.”

“So much potential,” I whisper the words I’ve heard a thousand times before.

In a deeper, more serious tone, he says, “Do you need me to come get you?”

“No,” I tell him. “I’m okay.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“I was just wondering if you could relate.”

“Yeah, I can relate. Of course I can, but as much as I hurt sometimes, I don’t want to hurt anyone else, either. Not like that.”

I suck in a breath and swipe at my tears. “How do you stay strong?”

“Fuck, I mean, I just hope for the best, I guess. I hope one day it’ll all be worth it. I hope I’ll at least make myself proud and bring a smile to someone’s face. Also, Sullivan?”

“Yeah?”

“I need you to remember that you have a gift.”

I snort. My “gift” is what got me into this mess in the first place. “Sometimes it feels like a curse.”

“It’s not.”

“Do you ever wish you sucked at football?” I ask him.

“Not really.”

I’ve spent maybe too much time lately wondering what Knight’s family is like. What group of people conspired to make him the wonderful way he is? Talented, secure, confident, kind. And not a fuck-up.