Page 81 of These Secret Years

“Fine, I guess. I can’t complain.”

I nod, still standing stock still just outside the bathroom door. He hasn’t moved either except to run a hand through his pretty hair and then put both his hands in his jacket pockets. I admit, I don’t know what the hell to do with mine, either. He’s seen me stark naked, and I feel so utterly exposed I might as well be now, too.

“So, your girlfriend is interesting,” he says.

“Yeah, well…” I don’t know what else to say about that either.

“Are you all right?” he asks, and I guess it’s a fair question. I don’t think I’ve ever been this awkward around him, but I mean—we haven’t seen each other in months, much less been alone in a room together. My room. A room where I perform sex acts for money.

Harrison’s distinct check-in knock sounds on my door.

“All good,” I call out, which is the agreed upon code that he can circle back around later.

Knight seems unsettled by the exchange. “Who was that?”

“My roommate.”

He nods, his gaze not leaving mine. “What are you doing here, Sullivan?”

Fuck everything, right? I don’t care if he knows. What difference does it make? “Give me fifty bucks, and I’ll show you.”

To his credit, he doesn’t look all that surprised. There’s a slight raise of his brows, and a tiny grimace, but other than that, all he does is blink.

“I’m actually seeing someone,” he says.

“Oh.”

His words ricochet off my chest and then around the room. Like they’re going to hit me at some point, but maybe I’ll get lucky?

He doesn’t stop there, though. “I mean, it’s a secret. And long distance, so it’s not like—necessarily serious, but I mean, yeah. There’s someone. A guy.”

“Good for you,” I choke out.

“Is it?”

“Is it not?”

His smile is small. Familiar. Rueful, even, and I get it. For a second it reminds me, too, of how we used to talk, which makes me even more sick to my stomach because I miss that. He’s more familiar than I thought he’d be. Maybe if I’d called. Maybe if I’d found a way to see him, I could have found a way back to myself that didn’t involve—this.

Not that I’m ashamed of what I do here. Shame isn’t the word. While getting a guy off isn’t the same as writing a perfect line of music, or even playing a flawless solo, I take a measure of pride in this work. It’s on my terms, it’s giving me a healthy amount of savings, and yeah—it’s indulging a need that hasn’t been met since the last time I saw Knight.

“I guess since it’s a secret, you can’t tell me who he is.”

“You wouldn’t know him.”

“Is that why you came up here? To talk about your boyfriend?”

“He’s not…”

“No?”

Knight frowns and kicks at the floor, an awkward little shuffle that only makes me more nervous. “You disappeared on me.”

“Yeah,” I agree. There’s nothing else to call it.

“Why?”

“A lot of reasons.”