Page 32 of Melt His Heart

Carson gets us back to the dock as fast as he can. The ride is awkward, tense, and I think this is the first time I’ve ever felt like that around him. It’s unbearable; the longest ride of my life.

The attendant helps me out as soon as we’re pulled to the dock. I swallow, my mouth going dry as I walk away from Carson. I need to create as much distance between us as possible.

“Julian! Wait! What’s wrong? Are you ok?” He touches my arm softly, and I feel like it’s been set on fire. I want to pull away, but I don’t want to hurt him. He’s being so sweet, and I’m being a freak right now because I want to kiss him.

“Yeah, I just…I just got a little claustrophobic, can we…head back?” I stammer.

“Of course…Anything you need.” He says, reaching to grab my hand, but I pull it back slightly before I even notice what I’m doing, and I wish to never see the hurt on his face again.

“Sorry, I…I just don’t feel good.”

“It’s ok.” He says quietly, gesturing me towards the parking lot.

* * *

The car ride back is also extremely uncomfortable, and I wish I hadn’t made things like this. I can tell Carson wants to fix it, because that’s just what he does, but my walls are closing in, and I know he can feel it too.

I’m terrified of myself, of what I’m feeling.

“We’re here,” Carson says softly, and I know I need to say something, I need to apologize.

“Thanks Carson…I…”

“Julian, I’m sorry if this was too much…Maybe I should’ve taken you somewhere quieter.”

“No! It’s not that…I’m just, I’m so sorry. Please, you did nothing wrong.” I bite my lip.

“I need a bit of rest.” I try to be normal and give him a small smile. But neither of us is buying it.

“Of course, rest up. I’ll be at the rink tomorrow, so I’ll see you.” He still looks worried, and I feel like shit.

“Yeah, I’ll see you. I’m sorry again.”

“Julian…Don’t be! It was nice.”

Yeah, until I ruined it.

“Ok, I’m gonna go inside.” I point to the lobby and open my door to get out, but just before I can leave, Carson grabs my hand. His palm warm as always.

I almost relax.

“Julian…I” He looks at me, and I’ve never seen this expression on him before. He’s biting down hard on his lip, avoiding my eyes. Why do I feel like I’m going to dread whatever he’s about to say?

“Yes?” I mumble, and when he finally looks into my eyes, I think he can see it too.

“Nothing, just text me when you’re inside, ok?” He smiles.

“Ok…”

And that’s the last thing I say before heading into my flat.

Once I’m inside, I don’t text him. I run to the bathroom, turn on the cold water, and splash my face with shaking hands. I’m going insane, and the room is definitely spinning a bit. I feel like I need to lie down. I should lie down. So I return to my living room and do just that. I open my phone and start on a text message.

Me: Hi Coach Peters, I have a little request, if it’s not possible that’s fine, but I was wondering if I could change my training time.

Chapter 10

I’ve always been average in studying, not bad but certainly not very good, just average. Unfortunately, average here is often not good enough. But there’s one thing my parents figured out I wasn’t average at: figure skating. I would hear them being told often that I was some sort of protege, a rarity, I guess. We come from a city called Hongcheon, a little way from Seoul, and I would frequently visit the rink to free my mind. The pressure of school was always getting to me.