Page 46 of Finding Noah

I wished I could say I had listened to Meg.

I wished I could say I had heeded her warning and stayed far, far, far away from kids like Ash Montague.

But what had happened was, Ash had been more turned on by my defense of Meg than she had been pissed off. And not long after the party, she got ahold of my number from Jay. She called me, asked if I wanted to go out sometime, and the rest was history.

That girl took every last bit of my innocence after only hanging out with me a few times.

We got drunk, we got high, and we had a whole lot of sex every single chance we got without a single care of where we were or who we were with.

And every night, after I got home and stumbled my way up the stairs, praying Mom and Dad wouldn't hear me, I lay in bed and felt like the biggest piece of garbage to ever live on this planet. Because everything I did with Ashley Montague felt good in the moment, amazing even … but that feeling never lasted long.

Still, I kept on going back to her because what I felt when we were together … well, I was convinced it was worth the sickening shame I succumbed to when I was alone. Even though the dread lurked deep beneath the pleasure.

Something hit the side of my head, and I looked up to frown at Jay.

“What was that?” I asked, looking to the ground at my feet to find a chicken nugget beside my shoe. “You threw a fuckin' nugget at me, bro?”

“Yeah, I did,” he declared without hesitation. “What the hell are you thinking about over there? You’re spacin’ out on me.”

Sitting on the grass between my open thighs was Ash, cross-legged with a box of her own nuggets in her lap, and beside her was Giselle, the two of them chatting about this and that the way they did when they were together.

Jay had been thrilled when Ash and I decided to make this thing official—whatever the hell that meant. We weren't dating, per se—or at least, I didn't think so. We weren't together. She didn't call me her boyfriend, and in turn, I didn't think I really had permission to call her my girlfriend. Still, after a few months of fucking and getting wasted in private, we’d shifted to taking our thing into the wild in a way that felt somewhat natural.

Now, we hung out with Jay and Giselle, and it sort of seemed like double dating. Maybe the two of us were just too stubborn to call it out for what it clearly was. But I thought, deep down, I liked the casual connotation because it meant it could end at any point and for any reason … or anyone.

We were both having fun, but still free. And that felt important. Especially when I always had one eye on her and the other was … well, wandering. Looking for someone else and dreaming of the day she looked back.

Another nugget hit the side of my head.

“Knock it off, Jay! Fuck …” I wiped the grease from my cheek and rubbed it into my jeans.

“Well, I keep talking to you, and you keep staring off into space like a freakin' moron.”

“Sorry,” I muttered, sweeping my gaze around the general vicinity of the park. “What were you saying?”

“We were talking about catching a movie or something later. You down?”

“I dunno,” I muttered. “I told my dad I'd help him in the yard.”

Ash snorted from between my feet and leaned against my leg to bring her mouth closer to Giselle's ear. “The prison yard,” she whispered, her giggles shaking her shoulders.

“Hey,” I snapped, and she turned to glance at me, batting her long, inky lashes innocently. “Don't talk shit about my dad.”

“Or what?” She bit her bottom lip, giving me that doe-eyed look. “You gonna spank me?”

Everything with Ash was, in one way or another, a prelude to sex. Every moment. Every comment. Every drink, every hit of a blunt. She was obsessed, and she was easy. After a year of my seeing her, it'd become so expected that it was almost boring. Routine. But that didn't stop me from loving every second of it.

At least until I got home and spent the night lying awake in bed.

“Maybe,” I grumbled, holding her gaze.

“Mmm, don't threaten me with a good time.”

She fluttered her lashes again before turning back to Giselle to continue the conversation they were having.

Jay fell silent, and when I glanced his way, I found him smirking and shaking his head.

“What?”