Page 66 of To Love the Stars too Fondly

I kissed it, finality settling comfortably around me like a hug from El herself.

When I walked away, Alex stood handsomely nigh, illuminated by stars and her phone flashlight. Without a thought, I pulled her into my arms, but by the time I realized how inappropriate that might’ve been, she hugged me back, holding me firmly against her chest. “Thank you,” I whispered, and I smiled when I felt her lips in my hair.

“You’re welcome.”

Alex made no move to part. When my arms finally loosened, she kept her hand on my back as we walked back to her car.

I was so drained, all my reserves empty, no shame left to hide. And so, when we reached her car, I did not hesitate to speak. “Alex, at the risk of making this the most awkward car ride of all time, there’s something I need to say. A few things, actually.”

Alex stood quietly. “All right.”

“You did a lot of shitty things when you were manic.” It was simply a fact. It would infantilize her to claim otherwise. “But just because it was your actions, it doesn’t mean it’s who you are. It sucks to say, but you’re a lot like my dad. He had his demons. He had meds, but he coped with alcohol and made some terrible choices because of it. And, ultimately, he disappeared on my mom and me when things got hard. That was who he was—a piece of shit who abandoned a six-year-old girl and doomed the woman he supposedly loved to an eternal cycle of poverty. He even got better, you know. He got the help he needed and decided it was easier just to start a new family instead of make amends.

“And you know what, Alex?” I continued, studying the consternation in Alex’s face. “You’re right. It isn’t if you have a bad cycle again. It’s when. I know that. And I accept that.”

“You think you mean that,” Alex said, heartbreak in her words, “but I’ve hurt so many people. I won’t forgive myself when I hurt you. It isn’t if. It’s when.”

“Then we’ll hurt together. We’ll get through it together. I mean every word.”

Alex shook her head. “I know you do. That’s how I know I don’t deserve you.”

“Alex, the first night we were together, you didn’t sleep with me. You said you liked me too much and I deserved better. That doesn’t sound like someone destined to hurt every woman in her path. It sounds like someone capable of caring about another person’s feelings more than her own. You don’t want to hurt me; hell, you dropped everything just to pick me up and drive me to Sedona. It’s not about what you deserve, but you’ve definitely more than earned my trust. I know it could be ugly. And I promise…” I swallowed my hesitation. She needed to hear it; I needed to mean it. “…I promise if it gets too ugly, I’ll do what I have to to keep both of us safe. Do your part and stay away from the vices, and I’ll do my part and get you help.”

I stepped forward, daring to infiltrate her space. “For the first time since El died, you made me feel safe. I hated you because you were everything I thought I could never have. I was afraid. I wanted you, so I hated you, because otherwise I would’ve had to admit that I wanted nothing more than to know you, and now that I’ve gotten to know you, it’s better than I could have ever imagined. The closer I was to you, the safer I felt. With you, I don’t feel broken. You make me feel brave. You…” I lost my train of thought as I gazed up into her eyes, so perfectly reflecting the starlight. “…you make me feel like I’m worthy of love.”

Alex was close, her lips a mere breath away, but I refused to bridge the gap. I had done my part. It wasn’t a grand gesture. It wasn’t fireworks or an objection at a wedding. It was a confession beneath the most beautiful sky of stars on earth.

I remained still. Tense. Waiting.

And like a flower, her butterfly kiss met my lips, leaving me blissful and bright.

Just one perfect kiss. Alex pulled gently away. “It’s late. We have a long trip home.”

I stood firm. “That’s not an answer, Alex.”

And for the first time all night, my heart swelled at the shadow of that fuckboy grin. “I need time to sort through my thoughts, Princess.” Her good nature faded slightly, just enough to cause my heart to ache. “Because you also make me feel like I’m worthy of love. That’s a lot to process.”

I took her hand, relieved when she didn’t fight the touch. “What if we didn’t go home tonight? What if we got a room and slept and woke up in this beautiful town?”

It was my final pitch. I could have collapsed when she smiled. “Okay.”

“Okay!” I fought to subdue my glee, finally allowing her to open my car door.

The cemetery was soon behind us, leaving El to her final resting place.

In the dark car, her hand felt for mine as we returned to Oak Creek and followed the signs toward Sedona itself. The streetlights cast fleeting light across Alex’s tragic countenance, illuminating her dewy eyes and tear-streaked face. All I could do was squeeze her hand, lest I break the tentative peace.

Time passed, and she followed the signs to a resort I couldn’t pronounce the name of—a good sign for quality, I supposed—and parked by the sign designated as valet.

An attendant emerged from the building, hustling his way to the window. “Good evening. What name do you have reserved for parking?”

From her wallet, Alex handed him her black Amex card. Her voice took on a tone I hadn’t heard before, somewhere in the realm of elegant and snooty. “My name is Alexandria Winthrop, and I don’t have a reservation. I’m sure you’ll find a room for us.”

The attendant’s eyes widened. “Absolutely, Ms. Winthrop. A concierge will be right down to help you with your things.”

“We don’t have any things. I’ll need the concierge to get us some.”

The valet nodded as he opened Alex’s door, who stood nigh while he opened mine as well and assisted me out of the car. What an odd shift, and I felt Alex’s coy smile as she came behind me to take my hand. The valet muttered into the small radio on his collar as Alex escorted me to the door. “Are you hungry?”