Page 53 of Grave Humor

“What is it with you mortals, my hells, and hand baskets? You wouldn’t even fit in one. If you want to take a trip to hell, I can take you, but I’m afraid you’ll just have to accept teleportation, as I’m far too lazy to do it in any of the other ways, with or without a hand basket.”

I considered returning to the catacombs, as things seemed a lot saner in the catacombs.

The devil patted my shoulder. “You’ll be okay.”

“You woke me with a purpose. What would you have me do?”

The devil gestured to Director Hammel, and he snapped his fingers. Black, smoking tendrils surrounded the man, who screamed before he was gagged. “There. Stay put for a while, you pathetic mortal. This will give us a moment to discuss this. Azrael, that mortal seeks to break the universal laws. You’re the only facet of death who can give him a taste of what will happen should those laws be broken and still satisfy the magic blooming because of his actions. Teach this mortal the error of his beliefs. An hour should do. That will make room for the rest of this to fall into place without turning this town into a gateway to my hells. I do hate unauthorized gateways to my hells. I don’t want to deal with a new gateway right now. I’ve a wife to get home to, and if I’m really good, she’ll put on her fur coat and purr for me.”

“You are even more insufferable than you were when you first fell.” Azrael heaved a sigh. “You know how I hate having to work right after I’ve awoken.”

“I know, I know. Just don’t kill him. The time for that has not yet come. See how far he can run in an hour, though. It will be entertaining. While you do that, I will set the rest of this into motion.” The devil smirked at me. “Isn’t this fun, Anwen?”

“No.”

He handed me the book. “Do put that back where it belongs, please. Some things are best left buried—and cared for properly. You were always disgustingly considerate even in the worst of circumstances.”

“But what is this?”

The devil laughed. “It’s the Book of Life, of course.”

My eyes widened. “The one mentioned in the Bible?”

“You’re delightfully well-educated for a heathen.”

“I’m agnostic.”

“Agnostic, heathen—same difference. I love heathens. You change everything because you don’t believe in the set courses the various religions set for the world. You follow a truly neutral path.”

“I wanted to show the book to Eoghan. I wanted to know if it was in his language.”

“I suppose it wouldn’t hurt if it explored the mortal coil for a while.”

I pointed at the entrance. “But it was in there the whole time.”

“That’s not part of the mortal coil. It is a gateway to the land of the dead. The Book of Life is a registry of all those who have passed on from this world to the next, and it contains the names of all who have died, who will die, and those who are dead. Few names escape record. Each room of those catacombs is representative of a different era of this world.”

Crap. “I could have been looking at my own death, then? Just flipping through the pages?”

“No. It doesn’t work that way.”

Well, that was something. “Should I just put it back now?”

“No. It can wait. Now, it’s time for you to bear witness to why the universal laws are as they are. Azrael?”

“Release the mortal, and I shall begin. The book, please.”

I held out the Book of Life to the angel, who took it and flung it into the air. The covers fell open, the pages spread, and when they finally settled, the writing on the pages glowed in the same gold and green light that had suffused the cemetery.

The devil snapped his fingers, and the bindings around Director Hammel released.

“What are you doing?” the director demanded, his voice shrill.

There was something malevolent about the angel’s laughter. “I am giving you what you wished, mortal. Bear witness to the fruit of awakening sleeping gods and standing in the presence of death. Behold.”

Like the devil, the angel read from the book, and every name shook the ground. Something shivered beneath my feet, and I realized I stood upon a grave.

The soil shifted under my feet, and I bolted for the questionable safety of the catacomb’s entrance.