Page 27 of A Chip on Her Shoulder

“Well, I assume you’ll enjoy punishing me however you see fit. I guess I’ll find out once I get here as one of the fucking assholes in residence. Hey, that’s an interesting question. Do you know if I’ve done time here before? Souls are recycled, right?”

“Your soul does not have the weight of a prior lifetime. It’s new, so you’re corrupting it nicely without any help from me. Good work. Keep it up.”

I pointed at my brother, who still hid in my hair. “How about him?”

“I’ve had a few rounds with him already. Really, he’s a pain in my ass. He refuses to learn, or he just enjoys a round in the dungeon. Maybe he just likes me and can’t get enough of my attention.”

“Damn, Jonas. You need to improve your general learning capacity. Me? I’d learn the first time. You’re a fucking moron.”

My brother squeaked a complaint.

“If you bite me, I really will toss your furry ass into a lava pool. I’ve put up with enough shit for one day solely on the grounds of being your sister. You have used up all my benevolence towards you, possibly for a year. Be happy I spent a ridiculous amount of money on your new home.”

“It concerns me how honest of a being you are,” the Devil admitted.

“Second rule. I do not mix business with pleasure, so if you want your business to include pleasure, you’re going to have to help me finish my business first. I may consider adjusting this policy if you make a good enough offer, but really, my momma taught me boys are nothing but distractions, and she was right.”

“My chest is a good offer.”

I wondered if tossing the Devil into a lava pool would do anything beyond tickle. Considering he depicted himself as wearing flames, he likely enjoyed any pain lobbed his way. “You have plenty of succubi you can seduce. Just make sure you’re clean and free of diseases between seducing a succubi. That’s polite. I expect you need a lot of tutoring on being polite company.” I needed to have a chat with the archangels, who hadn’t warned me the Devil might be seriously desperate for some positive female attention.

“You’re really rejecting me.”

“Business before pleasure, Lucifer. This isn’t a hard concept. And the pleasure part of this equation only happens if you have a damned good sales pitch and you haven’t gotten tired of me running the joint. I suspect you’ll be more than ready for me to head on home once I’m finished around here.” I regarded the ceiling with interest. “The interior decoration of your entry is sparse but gorgeous, I’ll give you that. You could use a few sofas or lounge chairs scattered around here to make viewing a little easier. Did you go cathedral theme throughout the whole place?”

“I have modern rooms.”

“Because you’re spoiled and need your luxuries?”

“You’re really calling me spoiled. In my own house.”

“If it makes you feel better, I’d call you spoiled outside of your house, too.”

My brother sighed.

“Your brother wishes to communicate that he is convinced you will die a terrible death at my hands.”

“He’s probably not wrong. I’m viewing myself as having low odds of general survival anyway, but if I’m going to go out and earn my way here, I’ll do it in a spectacular fashion. You can’t kill me until I’ve paid the CDC’s bill, though. That’s the third rule. Murdering me so you can torture my soul for however long you see fit is definitely not on the table for discussion.”

“Any other conditions?”

“Yeah. Show me your bathroom.” If I had to move into the Devil’s house for a while, his bathroom would give me a pretty good idea of if he was actually spoiled or just a talker.

“I assure you, I make no boast without being able to back it. Do you want to see the guest bathrooms or the master bathrooms?”

“I wish to see my entire domain, if you please. And honestly, even if you don’t please. If I’m going to be making my permanent residency here after I’m done fucking over the rest of my life, I’d like to see what I’m taking over and if it’s worth it. And if you bite me, Jonas, I will make you suffer for all eternity.”

“She really will,” the Devil warned. “But very well. If you wish to go on a tour of my home, then let us go on a tour of my home. We’ll begin here, which was the first room I built of this residence, as I had the fucking asshole of a painter in residence. Painting the ceiling at my whim rather than his seemed like punishment enough, and once he finished painting, I had him work as a maid for a few years before sending him off. Really, his job as a maid was the real punishment. However much it disgusted me, he loved the painting of my ceiling almost as much as I do. So, that’s mine, and you may not have it.”

If I owned the Devil, I owned the Devil’s prized ceiling, so I shrugged. “Whatever you say, Lucifer.”

“Remind me to torment my brothers for the rest of eternity for bringing you here.”

“How do you torment a pair of archangels? Truth be told, I’m a little annoyed they abandoned me here before telling me how to get back to Earth. Then again, maybe they expect me to successfully storm your gates and conquer the place, which means you could probably return me to my home in the proper time and in good health.” I shrugged. “And if not, well, I’ll come up with a new plan.”

“For some reason, I find this worrisome.”

“What’s this? It’s possible for a man to be smart and pretty?”