Page 28 of A Chip on Her Shoulder

“I’m not a man.”

I pointed at the painting of his perfect chest and flame-shrouded body. “Close enough. You’re male, and you’re pretty. Therefore, the probability of you being smart is greatly decreased.”

“Yet you’ve rejected me.”

“Smart and pretty doesn’t make for a good husband there, sweetheart. And if I was in the market for a man, I wouldn’t be living with my brother. You’ll just have to get over it.”

“You don’t have to marry me to come to bed with me,” the Devil complained.

“I already told you how this works. Business and pleasure do not mix, and if you want to get to the pleasure portion of any arrangements we might make, then you better have a damned good proposal for the business portion of my ventures. You might make a good advisor on how best to approach this. If I had my way, I’d just poison them all with the nastiest transformatives I can find coupled with a poison to make sure they slowly died in their new form. But I could settle with just stabbing them repeatedly, but I figure an eye for an eye is appropriate, except I don’t just get mad, I get even and charge interest.”

“I can’t believe you’re really rejecting me.”

I rolled my eyes. “Show me your bathrooms, Your Sulfurous Majesty. At least try to pretend you’re worth conquering.”

Chapter Six

The Devil had more bathrooms than sense.

The Devil had more bathrooms than sense, and he had a tendency to create them with a theme in mind. His Chinese-themed one, which he saved for last in his tour of his home, displayed priceless treasures. I bet I could steal one of his vases and make enough off it to live the rest of my life in comfort.

I spent a shameful amount of time debating if I could fit one under my shirt so I could steal it.

“I would definitely notice if you tried to steal one of my vases, although I would find it amusing enough to allow you to try to get away with it until it was time to go, which would be when I would enjoy doing a very thorough searching of your body to make certain you weren’t trying to steal anything else. I have decided my current goal is to count all of your spots. They’re lovely, and I want to investigate each and every one of them.” He paused. “Preferably with my tongue, but I’ll settle with my hands first if needed.”

I spent a few minutes considering his offer. How would he manage? While soft, fur was fur. When I wasn’t rocking a fur coat, I did have a collection of freckles scattered over my body, enough to keep him amused if he needed something to count. It didn’t take me long to come to a conclusion there would be no counting of my spots in his near future. “Obviously, I’m going to need to either leash you or keep a supply of willing succubi ladies around to keep you amused while I work.”

“You could keep me amused.”

“I’m sure the succubi will be far more talented at keeping you amused and satisfied than I.” I snorted at my general lack of experience with men, as every time I thought about landing a man, he chickened out believing he’d catch some disease or another from me—or he proved to be an asshole. Add in my asshole brother, my mother’s warnings, and decent observation skills, and I’d gone through life more frustrated than anything else.

“Virgins are an extra special treat, and half the fun with them is teaching them how to be the perfect lover. I don’t have to go through the hassle of undoing any bad habits.”

“What makes you think you’re good enough for my first time, anyway?”

The Devil spluttered. “Have you forgotten who I am?”

“No. You’re the Lord of Hell. The Lord of Lies. You have a great chest, I’ll give you that. But I’m not here to take you to bed. I’m here to take over. I don’t need you in bed to accomplish my goals. Also, if we could not talk about my lack of a love life in front of my brother, that would be great. He’ll start bringing his unsavory friends home with him, assuming I might actually want one of them. And don’t get me started on the idiots who assume my ears and tail mean I’m infected with some disease.”

“I could resolve those problems for you while counting your spots. You have many spots, and I wish to count them. I do not like when there are pretty things in my home I cannot have. Let me count your spots.”

“Business,” I reminded him.

“But I don’t want to handle business. I want to handle you and your spots.”

“Then I suggest you come up with an effective and satisfying revenge plan, acknowledge you’ll be running this place at my whim rather than yours, and make yourself useful. Only then will I consider such a reward for your good behavior.”

“Good behavior? I’m the Lord of Lies, not an obedient puppy.”

“That’s such a shame, then. The Lord of Lies doesn’t get any spots. The obedient puppy might get spots. Your bathrooms are really nice, I’ll give you that. You are obviously very spoiled. Do I want to know how you bargained for these antiquities?”

The Devil pointed at one of the larger vases. “That one was a bribe to be somewhat merciful on a particularly nasty soul. I agreed, opting to be more brutal over a shorter period of time as part of his rehabilitation program. It worked rather well.”

Huh. “You can bargain on things like that?”

“Anything can be bargained away, Miss Darlene. Even your spots.”

“Take my spots away, and I will cut off your nipples.”