Page 30 of A Chip on Her Shoulder

“A little decent? I’m the Devil. I’m the supreme master of torture techniques.”

“As I said, you’re a little decent at torture techniques.”

“You are an infuriating woman.”

“I am an infuriating woman who has what you want, so let’s get down to business. I need your place for a while. You also need to settle down and find a succubus who is willing to put up with you. You can amuse yourself with that business while I’m running the place. Your current level of sexual repression can’t be good for your health. Perhaps you’re tiring your succubi because you’re repressed and wait until you’re frustrated before joining one in bed. I feel those archangels dumped me here to knock some sense back into you. Do the bachelor seeking a bachelorette thing, try to contain yourself at least a little, and maybe you’ll find a suitable woman to become the queen of your domain.”

“Her being a queen implies she’ll have run of the place.”

“Well, yes. Having a queen around to knock sense into your minions would probably be helpful.”

“My minions are the generals of my many hells, and cut their teeth on sin and violence,” the Devil replied.

“Well, she better be one hell of a woman, then. Moving on. As I expect to be visiting here often, I’ll need to take over a room.”

“You may stay in my bedroom.”

“You really have trouble with rules, don’t you? No more spots if you can’t follow the rules, Lucifer. My rules state you don’t get any pleasure before my business is completed, so I will not be residing in your bedroom. Anyway, I don’t play games with men, and I don’t engage with men who have side chicks, so you’ll have to maintain your bedroom for your bachelorette succubi. Surely you have at least one good guest bedroom in this place?”

“Why would I have a guest bedroom?”

“For guests. Not fucking assholes, for actual guests.”

“Why would I bring guests into my home for longer than a few hours?”

“This is why your succubi do not want to engage in a long-term relationship with you. You need a guest bedroom. You need multiple guest bedrooms. For example, I’ll have my pipsqueak of a brother here with me, and he needs his own guest bedroom. I get my own guest bedroom, and you should have at least two or three other guest bedrooms for visitors.”

“This sounds like a great deal of work. Why can’t I just throw the guests into the dungeon? I already have dungeons.”

“The dungeons are for the fucking assholes unless you have a guest who wants to experience the dungeon.”

“I don’t like your rules.”

“Deal with them. Guest bedrooms, Lucifer, not excuses. Moving on. I’ll need an office, as I’m sure you have more paperwork than sense.”

“I feel personally attacked by that statement.”

“That is because I personally attacked you with that statement. I swear, you must have gotten kicked out of the heavens for your tendency to whine, complain, and talk back.”

“You’re not wrong,” he admitted. “It’s a little more complicated than that.”

“I really don’t care. You’re a stepping stone, buddy. I have goals, and I’ll use you to accomplish them.”

“For every day you control my many hells, I get to count a spot,” the Devil announced. “This is a fair arrangement. If you control my many hells for more days than you have spots, I get to count spots a second, third, or fourth time until I have counted a spot for every day you’ve taken the place over.”

At a minimum of ten minutes per spot with a mix of hands and mouth paying attention to each and every one of them, he would need at least an entire day to get through the spots on my chest alone. I narrowed my eyes, considering his offer. “You’re supposed to be checking out the eligible bachelorette succubi. You’re really not clear on how this works, are you?”

“Oh, I’m very clear about how this works. Most succubi will run away, although some will play the game to see if they can gain more power here. I’ll spend a great deal of time chasing my succubus around; they do like to stray. Often. Daily, really. I can’t blame them. I made them that way. Then I keep getting these defective incubi and succubi. Those are the ones who think it’s a good idea to shack up with an angel and a human.”

“Maybe you should shack up with a succubus who is generally inclined to shack up with an angel. They are loyal to their triad. I mean, I’m a human, and even I know that.”

“Shapeshifters are hardly human.” The Devil stared at my wrist and the spot he’d been granted permission to admire. “Humans do not have such lovely spots.”

“I have some freckles when human.”

“You have my attention.”

“I feel your brothers should have warned me you have a spot fetish.”