Page 34 of A Chip on Her Shoulder

“Excellent. Hey, Lucifer?”

“Yes?”

“Is it possible to have a dress that shows off my assets while giving me plenty of places to hide weapons? I’m going to need a weapon if I’m going to take out Lorenzo Gallo at this meeting. I might need a chastity belt that’s magically sealed, too.”

“I can offer you something better than a chastity belt.”

“You can? Do you even know what the word chastity means?”

“Unfortunately. It is a very foul word, and I loathe how much it’s been used today.”

I laughed. “You’ll survive.”

“I’m not sure I will survive if you decide to wear a chastity belt for any period of time. After all, I have to sufficiently reward you for permitting me to count your beautiful spots. I cannot do that should you be wearing a chastity belt. Unless I’m allowed to destroy the belt during your reward. I would enjoy that greatly.”

I needed to talk to the Devil’s brothers about the situation, as I worried managing over so many fucking assholes had warped their fallen brother. “You’re still only getting one more spot today.”

“I feel we should negotiate for a third spot today. I could be useful to you. I will prove my usefulness to you in exchange for access to a third spot.”

One spot, two spots, three spots… what was an extra spot or two if he helped me accomplish my goals without putting up too much of a fight? I had plenty more spots, and exposing three of them to the Devil wouldn’t do any harm. “I will listen to your proposal.”

“I will compile a list of all those who were directly involved with your brother’s current state, a list of their crimes the police have been unable to prove, provide the evidence required for the police to take action, and I will direct Belial to give you a rather potent substance suitable for your revenge. I will do this in the next twenty-four hours, after I have had sufficient time to explore both spots. There are many substances that would work, and he might make some… unfortunate… choices. In exchange, you will allow me to pay attention to a third spot of your choice today. I will need at least an hour per spot, but I will limit my attentions to two hours per spot.”

If the Devil paid that much attention to a singular spot, I’d enjoy a very good nap. “I like that you acknowledge I will be the one selecting the spots you can investigate.”

“I am a being of great wisdom.”

“Don’t you mean great naughtiness?” I muttered.

“Well, yes. But for today, I am a being of great wisdom, and I really want to explore your spots.”

“You will escort me back to my house with my brother before you get to explore my spots, and you will bring me the information and evidence I need within the twenty-four hour period. If you get something particularly juicy for me, I might allow you to make a secondary exploration of one of my spots as a reward for good behavior.”

“As I cannot have my precious spots at risk, I will establish wards around your home. Until I have conquered every spot, I cannot have interlopers interfering.”

If the Devil wanted to act as my home security, I wouldn’t stop him. “I will be utterly distraught should my brother come to harm, and when I am distraught, it’s obvious I would be in no state to want any man enjoying my spots.”

“Obviously, I should put you in charge of negotiations. You are wicked.”

“If I’m going to be making my residency here, at least I’ll earn it.”

“Oh, you will,” the Devil promised.

Several hours into my research project using the Devil’s computer and entertaining myself with random swats of my chained prisoner, Michael and Gabriel teleported into the office.

Both archangels laughed at their fallen brother.

“He talked me into sharing three of my spots with him, but he’s saving me a great deal of work, so I thought it was worth indulging him. He’s like a child. If you give him a taste of candy, he’ll do what you want in hopes of another piece. However, I’m concerned his time spent here dealing with fucking assholes has slightly warped him.”

“You chained him to his desk,” Michael observed. “I do not think anyone has done that before.”

“Well, if he didn’t want to be chained to his desk, he wouldn’t have provided me with the chains.”

“While this is true, it is a little unnerving to witness my brother chained in such a fashion.”

“Don’t worry about him. He likes it. If he gets sad, I hit him with the riding crop Belial gave me. That perks him up for a while before he gets whiny again.”

“That riding crop is rather hellish. In fact, it is rather painful to be hit with.”