Page 35 of A Chip on Her Shoulder

“I tested it against my leg before I went to town on your brother. He’ll survive. It doesn’t sting for that long. If that little pain is too much for him, he needs some time in the dungeon for a refresher on what painful actually is.”

Despite their lack of heads, I felt the archangels staring at me.

“When I take her to her home, I get to count two new spots. As she would set limits if I didn’t set them, I had to negotiate for only two hours per spot. Under most circumstances, I would blind you for looking upon her, but are her spots not beautiful?”

Gabriel chuckled, and it amazed me the archangel’s amusement could brighten even the Devil’s many hells. “She is a stunning creature. It is as though He is aware of your every failing and triumph and put such a woman on the sweet Earth for you to enjoy. Assuming, of course, you can convince her to allow you to enjoy her company. I do not hold much hope for you.”

I snickered. “I told Belial to start spreading word the eligible bachelorettes need to work their magic on him. That much repressed sexuality can’t be good for his health. I mean, he’s been brought low by three spots. If he realizes how many spots I have, he might swoon.”

“I do not swoon.”

“Men who do not swoon do not get the extra special spots.”

The Devil stilled. “There are extra special spots? What makes a spot extra special?”

“Location, location, location.” I picked up the riding crop and slapped the Devil’s hand with it, and he yelped. “I am almost done with my preliminary research, so your twenty-four hours to gather the information I need will begin when you start exploring the second spot you’ve earned, so you better manage your time properly.”

“Ruthless,” the Devil complained. “You brought a truly ruthless creature to my domain. She’s taken it over without remorse, too. She ordered Belial to come in here dressed in a suit and looking pretty for her, and he obeyed. I’ve never been so turned on in my life.”

“We do not need to know anything about your current restless state,” Gabriel replied with zero evidence of sympathy. “Belial is wise and recognizes when someone is in a position to ruin him, and he does not wish to test her willingness to bring ruin into his domain. She is a predator, and she has made no effort to hide her predatory ways. She is a very determined predator at this moment.”

“How much help did you give her for this scheme? She did not even flinch with both of us in here giving her our full regard.”

“We did not handle that matter. He did. You will have to put thought into your situation. His blessing will not last forever.”

The Devil grunted. “Meddlesome.”

“I’m sure He will have a favor to ask of you soon enough, probably in the form of expanding our numbers.”

“Wait. I thought the hosts were fixed. That the armies of the heavens and the hells always had the same number.”

“Not precisely. They are balanced,” Michael replied. “As such, the heavens and the many hells have a balanced number. My brother has only so many devils and demons, and the heavenly host have only so many angels and archangels. When an angel falls, for example, the balance of power shifts in my brother’s favor, and the angelic seed must be reclaimed and replanted before the End of Days comes prematurely. When demons or devils perish, my brother must claim those seeds, although he sometimes opts to leave them as seeds for a while, permitting the scales to shift in the favor of the heavens for a while. It is a delicate balance. When there is great evil in the world, my brother tends to leave his claimed seeds unplanted, because that maintains the balance. It is part of what he is. While He keeps a close eye on the balance of things, it is actually our brother who does the most work. In many ways, view my brother as a great gift from the heavens for all he earned his fall.”

“It is truly disgusting,” the Devil muttered. “I am the consequence of free will. I am the symptom of free will. Without free will, I would not exist. I am also the price of free will. Before my fall, there was only a set fate and destiny. There was no sin, for there wasn’t the freedom to sin. I was given the freedom to sin, which is perhaps the greatest of gifts humanity could ever receive. But that freedom comes with consequences.” The Devil shrugged. “I’d wave my hand, but it seems I’m facing certain restraints right now.”

I ignored the Devil’s antics and said, “People like me exist. Like my brother. Like Lorenzo Gallo. But on the other hand, people like my father exist, and so do people like my mother.”

“That is correct,” Gabriel confirmed. “Humans are free willed creatures, and they can choose to make themselves into anything they wish.”

I pointed at the Devil. “He claims He tends to be more forgiving towards those who do great evil for the greater good. Is that true?”

“You could do the greatest of evils doing an even greater good, and you would still find your way into our brother’s many hells. Only some sins He does not forgive, like rape,” Michael replied, coming around the Devil’s desk and patting my shoulder. “It would be hard for you to run the place if you did not come here often.”

I laughed at that despite my awareness I’d be on the naughty list. “That is true.”

“My brother would chase you to the heavens and get himself into even more trouble should He allow you to step foot there. Do you truly believe merely three of your spots would satisfy our brother?”

“Hey, I’m considering allowing him to recount a spot or two. I’m not totally cruel.”

“That definitely would not satisfy him, knowing there are many more spots for him to explore.” Michael laughed, and he caught my hand in his, pulling my arm up to show off my spots. He touched my elbow. “You have seventeen spots on this elbow alone for him to admire, and he will resent I have touched a spot he has not yet enjoyed, for he is a selfish and jealous creature.”

That he was. I twisted my arm for a view of my elbow, straining to count the spots, amused over how many tiny spots were on such a small surface. “I’ve never really noticed there were so many tiny spots there before.”

“Have you had a need to count how many spots were on your elbow before now?”

“Well, no. I guess not. I see I will have to do a complete spot count to be aware of how much bribe material I have in my hands. I’ve gotten him busting his ass to earn the three he’s getting as it is. To be fair, one of those spots is my favorite. It’s perfect.”

“It really is perfect,” the Devil agreed. “I don’t want to fight you over her spots, Michael.”