Page 86 of Hoofin’ It

“Oh! You must have had a very nice evening then. You’re welcome.”

Digging her toe into the vampire’s ribcage, Marian leaned over, waved her gun in his face, and snarled, “Did you spike the rest of the food?”

“Maybe with a minor amount of a completely legal stimulant to help your badge bunny get through today without being a risk to himself. Completely legal. I even have a scanner in my pocket for you to confirm it.”

Frisking the vampire, Marian located the meter and handed it to my father. “Check the fridge while I deal with him.”

Dad chuckled and, in what I classified as a miracle, obeyed without question.

Amy peeked into my apartment. “It’s a real party in here.”

Mom’s eyes widened. “Shane, there’s a succubus here.”

“I’m aware. Her name’s Amy. Amy, this is my mother. Fluffy checking out the fridge is my father. I’m disappointed, Amy. The vampire survived the journey.”

Laughing, Amy strolled into my apartment, stepped over her boss, and smacked him with her tail. “There were two cops staked out in front of your building. I left them playing together in their cruiser. I thought you would like to know, in case you wanted to report them unable to complete their duty. You’re always such a stickler for that sort of thing.”

I groaned and went to look out the window. Sure enough, there was a cruiser parked across the street with a good view of my apartment building’s front door. “Please tell me it wasn’t Michelle.”

“One day, I’m going to have to find out what happens to the gentlemen officers I do that to. Do they stay partners afterwards? You never tell me, Shane. So cruel.”

The CPD trying to get dirt on me didn’t surprise me in the slightest. When they figured out Ernesto had paid me a personal visit, they’d take a closer look at my activities. “Did they see you or Ernesto?”

“Of course not. I’m no amateur. I made sure their party was in full swing; their windows were nice and steamy before I brought him in. I started a few extra parties around your block and several other blocks nearby. Actually, we spent the past two hours starting all sorts of parties for everyone to enjoy. It was fun. I enjoyed it very much. In our personal investigation of your neighbors, we’ve uncovered this cute little couple on the first floor who wants a child. They’ll be very successful today. I thought you’d appreciate me keeping your neighbors happy. The poor girl was rather barren. I fixed the problem for her tonight. I hope she’ll forgive me, as I expect her incoming triplets will cure her any desire for additional children, but should she want a few extra, let me know. It’s always nice when I can play doctor without the real doctors getting pissy at me for taking their cut of the financial pie.”

Amy on the prowl meant a lot of trouble, and I tried to imagine how much trouble she could start given two hours and free rein. “How many blocks did you visit in the past few hours, Amy?”

“A few. My sisters helped. There were several patrols on other nearby streets. They’re busy, too.”

“Dear lord.” I shook my head and stretched out across my kitchen table, waggling my fingers in Ernesto’s direction. “Ernesto gave you all pixie dust, didn’t he?”

“Maybe a little.”

“And there goes loophole number one. And how did Ernesto give it to you so he can’t be held accountable this time?”

“Tainted sugar packets. In a tragic mishap, a local warehouse mixed unmarked packets of sugar and sweetened pixie dust, thus resulting in a widespread accidental distribution of tainted sugar. To make sure it was a city-wide event, these sugar packets have been distributed to many of the city’s restaurant supply chains. C grade pixie dust, so it isn’t classified as a health risk, but it has resulted in us demons spreading the joy a little more than usual. The culprit was an overturned container during shipment. So tragic, right?”

I chuckled and waved my hand at Marian. “This is why they can’t prosecute Ernesto. Welcome to hell. It’s populated by smug vampires and their demon partners. Amy, if you want a pair of victims for later, take my parents. Maybe you can keep them out of my hair for a few hours.”

“Hybrid-form werewolves are a delicacy, but it’s so difficult to get them to play. It’s not fair. That one’s been with his mate too long. You brought me a treat I can’t enjoy.”

The succubus pouted, and if Dad had managed to keep his tail still, I might’ve been fooled by the nonchalant way he browsed through my refrigerator. “Your fridge is clean of illegals, pup. I even reset the meter and cleared its settings to ensure they didn’t tamper with it.”

“Dad, stop wagging your tail. You’re not a dog.”

“But your guest said nice things about me. It’s an expression of happiness. Allow me to express my happiness without your prude rules getting in the way.”

Werewolves. I sighed. “Mom’s hopeless, too, Amy. Sorry. She’s been infected for too long.”

“I noticed. That’s also unfair.”

I turned my attention to Ernesto. “Why are you here in the middle of the day, and what possessed you to invite my parents to town?”

“Could you ask your blushing bride to leave me with at least one leg and both arms today? It’s so difficult finding a donor this time of day, especially when I have to behave myself for the first time in my life.”

“Hey, Dad. Remember how you were expressing curiosity about meeting a bloodsucker, and how you were bragging your virus is so robust not even an ancient vamp could knock you out for more than an hour?” The bragging had happened back home, but I rarely got to call my father out on something.

Mom cackled. “You’re an awful child.”