Page 43 of Catnapped

“That is absolutely ruthless. No wonder the Devil wants you as his secretary. I don’t want to be tenderized before being eaten by an elf. I barely survived my first round with her.”

“But did you die?”

“Not quite, but it was close.”

“Don’t be such a baby about this.” I closed the box, secured it, and did a walkthrough of the rest of the lab. My magic revealed nothing else. “Let’s get back to the surface before the Devil convinces himself he needs to steal my kittens. I’m only keeping the momma cat and the calico, as three cats seems like a reasonable number of cats. And the calico is really cute.”

“All kittens are really cute.”

Smiling, I nodded. “Mr. Flooferson is especially cute, and I will always love him the best. As such, I must prove my love and devotion by making elves proud of my brutality when I bring this operation to its knees.”

“Please don’t end the world acquiring justice for your cat. I like living.”

“So do I, so I will do my best to avoid such a thing. That said, I might take a page out of Darlene’s book and take over the Devil’s many hells for a while if I need to. I bet Darlene would cooperate, and she could lure the Devil off to His place for a while. I can take over while they’re out. Hey, think your dad would help out? If I have a general backing me, I might actually get away with it.”

“I’m fairly sure Dad will only help if I’m joining in. He’s been trying to corrupt me for a while.”

“Sure, you can help. I’m not above manipulating you to get access to your dad. I’ll ask your father to help keep them upstairs for a little while longer so I have time to finish my plans. He’ll be into that, right? By doing so, he helps secure justice for the helpless, and that seems like his sort of thing.”

“It really is.”

“Good. We have kittens to take to the vet, a meter to coerce out of the Devil, and work to do. Let’s get this show on the road.”

Eleven

“Only little demonesses or devils may take over my hells for any period of time.”

The Devil handed me one of the CDC’s best scanners before I had a chance to ask for it. “You may not take over my many hells, but you may have this meter instead. It is yours to keep. But you may not evict me from my home.”

Damn. He must have been snooping. “I’d only need five or six hours to lay down the foundations for my plan.”

“Only little demonesses or devils may take over my hells for any period of time.”

I considered. “You have me for a set period of time to job pitch and give me life advice. You can try your best to convince me then. I’m not sure I’d make a good unicorn, though. I know that will disappoint you.”

“You’d make a terrible unicorn, but I have a few ideas of the equine bent you’d enjoy. Demonic in nature, with an even longer lifespan than my unicorns. Well, demonic with a twist.”

Raising a brow, I considered the Devil before putting the metal box we’d found in the back of the SUV and checking on the kittens and momma cat, which were locked in the play pen. “What do you mean by demonic with a twist?”

“That’s for me to know and you to find out.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” I eyed the meter, sighing as I’d already accepted the damned thing, thus rendering me technically unable to take over the Devil’s house per my original plan. “We can talk about a temporary takeover later. More accurately, I’ll talk to Darlene about a temporary takeover.”

“You are so going to hell,” Lucifer informed me.

“Surprisingly, I had figured that out at this stage. I may as well earn it. Can we do the health checkup so we can get the cats to the vet?”

The Devil reached into his pocket, sent a text, and a few moments later, Gabriel manifested nearby. I appreciated the efficiency of the divine, although I suspected it would take at least ten minutes for my heart rate to come back down to something sane.

Then, because Lucifer could be the crowned ruler over all assholes when he wanted, he opted to remove the evidence of having gotten into a fight with a murder of filthy kittens through unexpected exposure to flame. The heat stung enough I yelped, although the blue fire didn’t burn me.

Rather than curse or indulge in my desire to participate in some wholesome violence, I turned to the archangel. “Hello, Gabriel,” I greeted. “How did you get suckered into doing the Devil’s dirty work tonight?”

“I have a soft spot for kittens.”

Of course he did. “I’m planning on keeping the calico and the momma cat, but the other kittens will be in need of a good home once they’re old enough to be separated from their mother safely. If an archangel can’t help find good homes for these kittens, can any being possibly do it better?”

Lucifer cleared his throat.