Page 44 of Catnapped

Ignoring the Devil—and resisting the urge to roll my eyes—tested me, but I kept my attention focused on the archangel. My awareness of the nature of his shroud created a unique problem with him, one I hadn’t suffered through with Raguel.

I could see the shimmering barrier safeguarding me from the reality of his visage.

As I didn’t wish for my life to end prematurely, I focused my gaze on his chest. “Why don’t archangels have nipples, anyway?”

Lucifer crowed his laughter, and to my amusement, Gabriel also chuckled.

“I don’t see what’s so funny,” I admitted.

“My brother’s wife is very serious about her enjoyment of male nipples, and she is forever complaining I do not have appropriate nipples for her voyeuristic enjoyment. If you would like me to make arrangements for the kittens to find good homes when the time comes, I would be pleased to help you with this endeavor.” The archangel pointed at two of the paler animals. “Lucifer, these two beasts would fit well in your home. Their natures are troublesome, and your wife will believe you are not bringing home kittens, for you have already told her no, and she does not believe you are capable of lying to her.”

The Devil snickered. “What does He want?”

“The usual.”

“We just visited two weeks ago,” Lucifer complained.

Gabriel shrugged. “You know how He gets. He has noticed your interest in the mortals.”

“Mortals is plural.”

Both Lucifer and Gabriel pointed at Darian, who heaved a sigh and bowed his head. “My fathers are sentimental, which means it’s going to be bad enough once my mother passes on that the rest of the divine family is likely eyeballing ways to make me live a horrendously long time. I’m sorry, Diana.”

“Why are you sorry? The last I checked, they were trying to imply we should team up, and I’m supposed to take over the role of a succubus.” I gestured to my chest, which ached. “I’m not going to be very good at this role, in case you were wondering.”

“Well, honestly, I assumed you were lacking the demonic genes required to take up that role. And the only reason I was considering a succubus is due to my fathers’ insistence I be a good and considerate lover. And when my mother supported their fatherly advice, I thought it was a good idea.”

Gabriel patted my shoulder. “Do not fret over Darian’s circumstances. He will be happier to deal with a being he can dedicate himself to, and there are many varieties of demonesses and devils who are as good—or better—than succubi at her art of seducing and caring for men. If you do not pick, it will be picked for you, and my brother is quite good at matching nature with species. Darian, on the other hand, would be saddled with your species, as he is smitten and would whine. Truly, we cannot abide by the whining. His entire family? Masterful whiners.”

“It would serve you all right if we picked different permanent partners,” I muttered.

The archangel’s amusement manifested as a sound suspiciously similar to a giggle. “You could try that, but there would be significant whining.”

“Why are divines so very much like children?” I scowled, careful to keep my gaze fixed on the archangel’s chest. “Is your shroud weak, or did I really fuck myself over this time?”

“As you say, you have really fucked yourself over this time. That is why it is a forbidden lore. Awareness of the shroud’s nature often results in the weakening of the shroud—and it is why it has remained secret. Those who have discovered its truths find themselves viewing what they should not. Your strengthening vision is part of why my brother monitors you as closely as he does. He uses healing the illness of your body as an excuse to make certain what happened to his darling does not happen to you. There is no intervention in your future, although there is salvation from your circumstances, should you opt to play the game. Otherwise, your eyes will kill you long before the cancer could have, had it been allowed to take root. It is one of many consequences you face. Darian’s fathers are sentimental beings, and they would try to find a way to recapture your seed and bring it back to life for their son to pursue in many years. Darian is a creature prone to fixation, much like you are. Becoming a new species would not change much for you, beyond offering a resilience and ability to withstand the shrouds you will one day pierce with ease. Normally, we make a point of showing up once a mortal has dabbled in powers they cannot control or understand, but you are a useful mortal. You will pay other prices for your meddling ways.”

I turned to Darian. “I’d like to mention I’ve reduced an archangel to cursing, and he’s basically told me I’m screwed. Should I be grateful they’re working with my base desire to rescue my cat and get justice for those poor animals before finishing me off?”

“It does not seem they have interest in finishing you off, but I can understand why deer freeze in headlights a little better now. No matter which way I turn, there’s a divine out to get me.”

“We are more after your virginity and mortality rather than you,” Gabriel replied. “More specifically, we are doing our best to rid you of both of those things, which do not serve you well at this point in time.”

“One of those things is easier to address than the other.” Darian sighed. “I’m not sure what I did to deserve this, however.”

“You were born.”

Despite everything, I laughed. “This is why I like the divine so much. They’re so disgustingly honest most of the time, and they really don’t care if they hurt your feelings. If you can’t handle the truth, you shouldn’t give them any openings to tell it to you. In the hands of a divine, the truth is a truly dangerous weapon.”

The archangel shrugged, and I got the feeling he smiled. “Most humans are inclined to become offended when the truth is presented to them. You are exceptional in your drive to acquire the truth. But you have toyed with things beyond your control. As such, you must take great care with yourself before you see something that has irrevocable consequences. My nephew, lacking clothes, for example, would have irrevocable consequences.”

I raised a hand and rubbed at my temple. “Anything else you’d like to get off your chest, Gabriel?”

“I can recommend two humans who would be happy to pretend they are dating you both for a chance to watch my brother and his partners have a rather delightful meltdown as they try to make certain you date each other rather than the humans I would invite to play the game. Of course, Belial would catch on quickly, but my brother is sometimes more dense than the average rock.”

“Are we discussing pumice or granite? There’s a pretty significant difference in the average density of rocks, Gabriel.”

The archangel sighed. “Closer to granite. I forgot pumice existed, as most rocks are rather dense.”